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The Sham of the Playoffs
Peter Crabtree fails to see the need ...
04 Mar - Week TEN
Chichester 5-0 UK
Packaging
Peter Crabtree: "I'm lost for words ..."*
Peter Genever beat Stuart Cowie 9-4, 9-5,
9-4
Moh'd Azlan Iskandar beat Jamie Davis 9-2, 9-3, 9-7
Tim Vail beat Daryl Selby 9-6, 10-8, 9-5
Ben Garner beat Matthew Bolt 9-6, 9-5, 9-1
Suzie Pierrepont beat Tegwen Malik w/o
OHMYGOSH
Peter Crabtree is gobsmacked ...
For those of you that find these epistles exciting, interesting, or even
plain garbage, this will explore new boundaries in tedium and brevity.
Somehow, little Chichester, a small City in West Sussex, close to Colin
McQuillan’s boondocks (sorry Colin, but last time you said it we made the
play-offs, so it is nice to just rub it in again!) has not only reached
the National Squash League play-offs, but has actually done so as
Champions. With a won/lost ratio of 9-1. Anybody else lay claim to that?
It does beggar belief that our squad, particularly when you look at their
rankings compared to some of the other squads, has achieved this, and it
reflects in no small measure the team spirit, and the relationship the
players have with the members.
It was never going to be a battle with the UKP line-up shorn of its best
players, but we have found that given the motivation, the lower ranked
players can upset the formbook occasionally, witness the Vole’s exploits 2
weeks ago at Guildford. So it was fairly academic in that we won 3-0 5
times, although Suzie Pierrepont, a last minute replacement for the
injured Linda Charman, had an easier win than her team-mates over an
absent Tegwen Malik. She then put the Vole through a 30 minute session of
drills and routines just to put him in his place.
It wasn’t fun for the UKP team, and the games reflected that – Ben Garner
won 3-0 over Matt Bolt, but only after being on the receiving end of 3
dead nicks in the first 4 rallies. Tim stuttered to a 3-0 over Daryl
Selby, whilst Azlan toyed with Jamie Davis for his 3-0. Jelly found Stuart
Cowie in obdurate mood (no change there, then), but wore him down for his
own 3-0.
So it was champers to celebrate, and to come to terms with the challenge
ahead. The programme outlined the potential play-off line-ups, and it goes
without saying that March 18th at Chichester will be a full-house, with
hopefully Bozza and Fitzy gracing our courts. If they don’t, well, who
knows what could happen?
Oh, and Vole got the player of the season champers!
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19 Feb - Week NINE
UniSport Guildford 2-3
Chichester
Stephen Meads lt Tim Vail 2/9,
6/9, 9/6, 4/9
Stacey Ross bt Ritwik Bhattacharya 9/5, 11/9, 9/7
Neil Frankland bt Ben Ford 9/1, 11/9, 3/9, 11/9
Mick Biggs lt Chris Tomlinson 9/5, 2/9, 3/9, 5/9
Fiona Geaves lt Linda Charman 0/9, 4/9, 10/8, 5/9
OH, YES, TIMOTHY!
TIMMY, TOMMO AND LINDY-LOU
COME OUT TO PLAY
Peter Crabtree gloats ...
This was the defining moment in a season of contrasting fortunes that
secured little Chichester (or as Colin McQuillan so lovingly referred to
it a couple of seasons ago, “some little place from the boondocks that
nobody’s interested in” bless him) a place in the play-offs for the
first time in 5 years. Worst to first, as the yanks like to say, well
nearly, although there is a little matter of Mr. Garner and his chums in
2 weeks time. Knowing our luck it will be the full squad, but here’s
hoping.
Having established a bit of clear blue water between us and the
Broxbourne posse, we decided that, just to make it interesting, we would
rest Jelly, Azzi and Ben and let them jet off somewhere nice for a
sunshine break, and give the support cast some exposure. Playing Vole at
the top of the order had to be a risk, one too many sausages for
breakfast and Meadsy could well bring on an attack of indigestion, or
worse. But we had the strength in depth of Britvic, Ben the Ford, and
“the knowledge” to support our Lindy Lou, fresh back from her refereeing
course in Manchester. Surely this would give the others some hope, and
make the rest of the regular season games a little more interesting than
just our imperious progress to the play-offs. And, we all owe Mr.
Robinson a bit of encouragement, hard done by as he has been this
season.
So off we set, and Linda took on Fiona Geaves. It was a disappointing
match for Linda, as her recent course of Tea Kwon-Do proved worthless in
the face of controlled, athletic squash from Fi. There were 11 decisions
in the match, all of them pretty much on the button, and neither girl
swore at the referee, or carried out any kind of assault on each other.
Surely, this was the complete antithesis of what the game is supposed to
be about now – I understand that the semi-final between Linda and Becky
was pretty brutal yet again with the referee doing bugger all about it.
Linda was warned about not clearing the ball, but when you have somebody
rushing into your back most of the time it is pretty difficult. Anyway,
this was not like that – it was hard fought, and although Lindy looked a
tad weary at the end, she won 3-1 to give us the start we hoped for.
Meanwhile, Tommo was up against local hero Mick “the hammer” Biggs. In
his first season of National League squash, he has established a bit of
a reputation, so Tommo knew he was up against it. Mick has a cracking
backhand (leftie!) kill that almost hurts the ears when he hits it, and
he was pretty ruthless using it, building up a 6-1 lead in moments.
Tommo clawed it back to 5, but then lost his way again to go 1 down. But
thereafter it was fairly comfortable so there we were 2 up, as hoped.
But then ……… Cookie Annan turned up and blew it. Sorry John, but after
all the nice things I said last time, the match turned on a pretty crap
decision at 9-8 to Ben in the second game. A clear stroke to level the
match was denied, and after 2 lame tins, it was a tough match to come
for Ben.
I like watching Neil Frankland play – it isn’t classic
squash, but he has a trick shot for every situation, which does make it
rather entertaining. Ben Ford matched him in pretty much every
department, and arguably played the better squash. Both players were
occasionally unhappy with the decisions, but they were mostly
interpretation and marginal, so there wasn’t that much amiss. Ben won
the 3rd, and looked to be cruising in the 4th, but Neil was Neil, and
edged it 11-9 to put UniS on the scoreboard, albeit maybe a bit
fortunate to do so.
Britvic meanwhile was up against Stacey Ross, he the victim of some
adverse comment on the website recently. This was a match where if he
really got stuck in, then maybe there was a glimmer of hope. But Stacey
has too much talent when he is given the time, and he got too much of it
– nicks, control and changes of pace and direction were too much for the
Indian No.1 although he did get a real bummer of a decision in the
second, losing it 11-9. The third also went to “the Boss” to level the
match with the 1’s going on.
Normally, this is Jelly time, and you do feel reasonably confident of a
good effort, even against Pete Nic, but Vole against Meadsy? ‘Avin a
larf intcha? The match turned out to be quite interesting on a number of
fronts – Linda Davie driving 300 odd miles for an ‘N’ assessment for
one, and a particularly up for it Vole with nothing to lose. Well, this
was something to behold – no fear, no caution, no errors (maybe no
breakfast had something to do with it), the Vole was on fire. Nicks,
deception, changes of pace and direction that had the audience asking
for lets, this was pure theatre, 1-0 to the Chi. 2nd game much the same
as the first, but then the first error appeared – cries of “No Timothy”
came from the Chi massive (but I am on a diet) and a wry smile creased
the lips of the aforementioned Vole. 9-6 to the tubster and a 2-0 lead
that looked to be promising.
But Meadsy hates losing, and he fought back well
against an ever more desperate array of shots from our man, and although
it got close, he edged it. Last chance for Timmy? Maybe, but whatever,
he took it, slapping nicks for fun, and with an exquisite backhand
volley short that had us purring with glee.
3-1 to Vole, in what has to have been his most impressive performance
yet for us, and possibly of his career. He came close in the Nationals
last week, apparently playing well, but this was pure nectar. And
against Meadsy too. What about Robbo? I hear you ask. Tucked up in bed
with flu, which deprived us of the absolute pleasure of seeing his face!
Hee Hee! So off to the bar to enjoy UniS excellent hospitality. Oh, and
I took the last raffle prize as well, just to put the icing on the cake.
Not up to fruit machine emptying exploits maybe, but eminently
satisfying.
Oh, and the assessment? Not a hard enough game
apparently, so not given. Ask Vole and Steve – they were both knack’d,
and there were 20 or so decisions, which were all basically fine by my
thinking. Guess we may be looking for a new co-ordinator next season
then!
So the next match holds the key – Nottingham or Edgbaston? Who cares,
and a Hawaii against UKP would help, and it would be nice to be Southern
Champions. So a full house at Oaklands Park is on the cards, and the
dulcet tones of Unknown Promotions Matt Swansong to entertain us, oooooh,
I can’t wait!
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04 Feb - Week EIGHT
Chichester 5 - 0 Tek Sing Lexden
Peter Genever beat Lee Drew 6/9,
10/8, 5/9, 9/5, 9/7
Moh'd Azlan Iskandar beat Tony Hands 9/5, 5/9, 9/4,
6/9, 9/6
Tim Vail v Raj Nanda 9-3, 6/9, 9/7, 9/7
Ben Garner beat Paul Allen 9/4, 9/7, 9/4
Linda Charman beat Rebecca Macree 9/6, 9/10, 9/7, 10/8
TRAGEDY STRIKES
CHI CALCULATIONS
Peter Crabtree has a problem ...
Despite the best efforts of NASA scientists, given their current
distractions, it has not been possible to fathom out the complex
calculations surrounding the play-off possibilities. A dramatic midnight
melt-down of the Chi super Kray computer leaves us not knowing what the
future holds in store – but more of that later !
It can be revealed, however, that war was narrowly averted as a result of
the efforts of Cooky Annan, who adjudicated a close encounter of the 4th
kind with all of the skilful diplomacy associated with the Secretary General
of the United Notions, together with 2 tubes of Super Glue and a staple gun
on Lindy’s gob ...
Watch this space!
THE LION TAMES THE TIGER
THE WITCH STAYS IN THE WARDROBE
Crisis over, Peter Crabtree reports
There is a theme here somewhere, but I just can’t quite get it. The
engineers worked on the Kray until 6am this morning, and finally solved the
problem – believe it or not, there was a bug in the machine that was
relaying all of the calculations to a secret computer disguised as a fruit
machine somewhere in Hertfordshire. The secret service are hard on the heels
of the culprit, who was seen running from the scene with 3 bells and a bag
of money.
But we shall not let the shenanigans of the opposition overcome us – no way.
This team is built on spirit, Jack Daniels in Linda’s case, and the bigger
the challenge, the better the performance. So when the visitors arrived with
no Emu, no Stefan, and Amr had Shabana’d off (run out of excuses apparently)
the challenge obviously had an air of comfort about it. Hence the
nail-biting events which were to unfold. But gracious visitors were on hand
to try and negotiate an equitable settlement, Cooky Annan had flown in from
New York to see fair play, and managed to see the evening through without a
new front developing in the World versus Iraq. But we did have a close
encounter of several kinds – not least the long anticipated confrontation
between Linda Charman and Rebecca Macree.
But first – the catsuit. I’ve seen more meat on a Tesco’s pork chop, and
that’s saying something. Not to take anything away from a fine athlete, she
covers the court with some ease, mind you legs that struggle to stop at her
armpits are some kind of help. But to set the scene, and who cares about
Benjy and Azzi playing on the other court, the evening was only ever going
to be about the girls (and who could argue against that?). The first
encounter was brutal, vocal, and somewhat overheated, would this one be any
different? You could smell the animosity – bottle it and you could sell it
to Audrey Harrison at a million bucks a sniff. But squash was the target,
well the game as opposed to the physical result of a collision.
Having recounted the episodes of the first match largely at second hand, and
now I’ve given the game away (but it is a bloody long way to Lexden for a
pensioner on a Tuesday night!), and not having seen the redoubtable Miss
Macree playing a seriously competitive match (sorry Vicky, but it wasn’t)
before, I held a significant amount of interest in watching the events
unfold. It was about 2 minutes into the match when everything became crystal
clear and the problems that these two have with each other, and most of the
other players with Becky it seems, were patently obvious even to our Cooky.
She moves well, she strikes the ball half decent (Neil Harvey would fix the
rest in 5 minutes flat), and has an incredible awareness of the flow of the
game given that she can’t hear the ball being hit, or hitting the walls (I
presume, forgive me if I’m wrong). Just think about it – how many times do
your ears tell you it’s a boast before your eyes have seen the flight of the
ball?
But, and here is the Big Issue guv, some change for a cuppa? Rebecca moves
to where she sees the ball, not where she can play it, hence, there are a
lot of mid-court collisions where she is moving to the ball where she sees
it, but in most cases doesn’t have a cat in suit, sorry, hell’s chance of
playing it. So the player on the receiving end of the collision, and there
were some hefty hits going on, gets seriously frustrated because she isn’t
really trying to play the ball, and is seen to be playing her opponent, and
I am not sure that this is entirely intentional. I know the arguments
against, having propounded a few myself, but now I am not so sure if it is
as clear cut as I had originally thought. However, and this is the one where
I will pull no punches (unlike Audrey), when she is moving to the front of
the court in response to a short ball, she does go straight through her
opponent, in most cases making no allowance for their attempt to clear the
ball, and this is not good. Lindy won’t thank me for the next bit, but hey,
since when did I worry about that?
In most cases, as soon as she had played a drop shot, Lindy immediately
cowered and hunched up in anticipation of the hit, in which, 9 times out of
10, she wasn’t to be disappointed, and I did wonder a bit if some of this
was for show. Personally, my response would be to step back sharply into the
opponent’s gut (but that wouldn’t work with Becky) with a couple of elbows
and a racket handle for help, on the basis that if it was a tight drop, and
I was making every effort to clear, the opponent probably wouldn’t get a
stroke. This is a difficult issue to resolve, and Mr Lazarus needs to get to
grips with it, because I cannot see how Becky will get any favours from any
ref if she carries on in this manner. Indeed it is difficult to see how she
can avoid disciplinary action if it carries on, because against a player
less focussed than Linda was, it could get quite nasty – I can’t see Fitzy
being bullied off court!
The match was handled superbly, it has to be said, by the referee, and he
has had quite some grief over the years for one reason and another. Both
players were unhappy with decisions, but I cannot say that he got one badly
wrong in the first 3 games, although he did seem to lose the plot a bit in
the 4th. It was fair, there was none of the excitement that you get with
some refs when they make tough decisions, and the match never degenerated
into anything untoward. For that, I would vote Cooky ref of the year, well
so far anyway. 78 decisions apparently, and a success rate of 90% I would
have said, certainly less errors than the players!
The score? 3-1 to Lindy, although it could easily have gone the other way if
Lindy hadn’t been so in control of both herself and her game. Mind you, the
super glue and staple gun helped! 1 hour and 20 minutes! Gosh, the beer was
cold and good!
Meanwhile, Benjy had comfortably seen off Paul Allen, and Azzi would stuff
Tony “the Tiger” Hands. The programme notes suggested he might well be
heartily sick of the feline epithet by now, and his response to the
pre-match introduction suggested this wasn’t too far wrong! Another bloody
nail reducing effort by the junior member of the team saw Azzi always in
front, but by golly the tiger put up a fight. Azlan slayed the Tiger though
– match to the Chi. The girls were still going by this point!
Vole had decided he was going to play on the glass-back, and wouldn’t switch
to the next court. I was tempted to remind him that the last time he did
that, the longest winning run ever in the history of the Universe came to an
end, but thought better of it. As it happened, he played a good game against
an impressive young opponent from Oz. Raj will remember the next time he
plays here that he needs to duck when entering the court! 6 foot 27 tall,
with legs as long as Becky’s (but you know the rest!), he strikes the ball
well, and knows where the nick is, but lost 3-1 to give young Jelly the
challenge of securing another zipping of the opposition.
After a fantastic 3-2 over World 17 Alex Gough the previous night in 80
minutes, one could have forgiven a touch of sluggishness against Chi old boy
Lee Drew. So we did. Well, you do, don’t you? Mind you, the Drew Boy played
superbly, moving well, striking the ball well, and retrieving well, which
hasn’t always been his strongest point. The backhand drop is still as sweet
as ever, and it was difficult to believe that he has been unwell, and
although Jelly moved him around the court in his usual style, the Essex boy
was invariably there. PG’s control was below standard, and he did look a tad
sluggish, but he did it. 3-2 in another 80 minutes, and 5-0 to the Chi!
The result of the calculations was that if Lexden beat…………… No, it is too
complex, but we do have serious hopes of the glory of the play-offs. Mr
Robinson may hold the key to this, so we shall see in 2 weeks time. So the
conclusions? I am sorry, but Rebecca is in the wrong. She is a fine player,
with a lot going for her, but she just goes about it the wrong way. Don’t
misunderstand the slight understatement in the foregoing, it was on a knife
edge all the way through, and despite her outward air of diffidence, I think
Lindy came very close a couple of times to saying something. But Becky’s
opponents shouldn’t have to undergo that sort of threat throughout the game.
Sorry if you don’t agree. It is my personal view, and I have been watching
decent squash for a few years now. Okay, I might be a bit subjective, but I
think Becky has to sort it out, and I really do think she is good enough to
do it.
Sorry it has been a bit long, but I did short change you unlucky folk last
week, so I thought you should suffer some overtime with this one! Back in a
couple of weeks.
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28 Jan - Week SEVEN
Chichester 3-2 TVS Broxbourne
Peter Genever bt Mark Chaloner
9/5, 5/1 rtd
Moh'd Azlan Iskandar lost Rodney Durbach 6/9, 9/5,
8/10, 6/9
Tim Vail lost Alex Stait 6/9, 8/10, 9/6, 9/7, 6/9
Ben Garner beat Alister Walker 10/8, 7/9, 4/9, 9/6,
9/6
Linda Charman beat Alison Waters 9/4, 9/2, 9/2
GLUTEUS MAXIMUS BUSTUS –
or a right pain in the ass!
Peter Crabtree reports on yet another Chi victory
We appear to be in serious danger of topping the league again, but the last
time we did that, Vail lost the longest unbeaten record ever in the history
of squash in the 7th sector of the universe, and we finished with the wooden
spoon! This year could be different as I think it is mathematically
impossible for us to finish last, but I wouldn’t bet on it. And Vail has
just lost the only 100% played and won record to Alex Stait, mind you
Alister Walker lost his unbeaten record to Benjy boy Garner, so it wasn’t
all bad – and we won. The double over Broxbourne. Gosh.
The evening started with the ladies and having just beaten Natalie Pohrer in
the USA, possibly her best ever result, Lindy was in great spirits and
really up for the match. It was fairly evident that jet-lag was playing a
part in a slightly scrappy match, not to take anything away from Alison
Waters who put up a good fight, but lost 4, 2 and 2. On the adjacent court,
Ben Garner took on Alister Walker. I must express my humble apologies here
for the disrespect I showed Ben after the last match, having said that he
fluked the first game with an outrageous frame shot to the front wall. He
claims to have been practising that very skill for hours on end, and it
showed again tonight with another horrendous squirt from the front angle to
set up a 10-8 first game win.
The visitor put up a tremendous fight to take the next 2 games, with a
superb exhibition at the front of the court, but in doing so he began to
give away some cheap points by not clearing the ball at the front. This was
to prove expensive as Ben clawed his way back to 2-2, and then took the 5th
to give the Chi a solid start to the evening. Marks out of 10 for the ref?
Hmmmmmm. Azlan was already well into his match with Rod Durbach, who had got
off a flight from Dayton Ohio at 6:00 this morning. This was a battle of
contrasting styles, with the experienced ‘bok using pace mixed with a
liberal dose of disguise, and the younger Azzi tricking his way through the
games with a blend of touch, deception and power to put the Broxbourne man
under a lot of pressure. At 1 game all, and 6-8 down in the 3rd, Azzi put
together some great squash to get to 8-8, and we felt that if he could take
this one, Rod might just start to feel the legs and the body clock.
2 “trick” shots later and it was 2-1 to Broxbourne, and despite a great
effort from Azzi, experience paid off and Rodders went through 3-1. How
strange, 2-2 with the number 1’s going on court. We wondered if Chip’s
recent results and his rumoured shoulder trouble might be a bit of a
problem, but it certainly didn’t look that way, although Jelly played at a
fierce pace, and looked to be supremely confident after a trip to Dayton
that saw him lose to Graham Ryding, but play extremely well. A 9-5 first
game went to the home man, and he came racing out of the blocks to rush into
an early lead in the 2nd. But then – alas for Chip – the aforementioned
glute took a mighty twinge, and Chip ended up casting for that game on BRMB
where they get frostbite of the chuds, sitting on a bucket of ice. Match to
the Chi, and a very happy place for the team to be.
Mind you, next week sees the visit of Messrs. Evans, Castelyn, Drew and
Hands, accompanied by the ever so retiring Miss Macree. Could be the end of
the run, and all change on the Magic Roundabout at the top of the league. Or
could it? We shall see, but another full house at the theatre of dreams
should see some classic matches.
07 Jan 03 - Week SIX
Lee-on-Solent 1-4 Chichester
Bradley Ball lt Peter Genever 6-9, 17-15, 9-5, 3-9, 7-9
Mark Heather lt Tim Vail 6-9, 7-9, 9-7, 7-9
Ben Howell lt Ben Garner 9-11, 6-9, 9-5, 5-9
Peter Barker bt Chris Tomlinson 9-7, 9-5, 9-5
Sue Williams lt Suzie Pierrepont 4-9, 4-9, 5-9
100% PURE, UNADULTERATED…………….VOLE!
Peter Crabtree reports
This hurts, you know. The last 5 or 6 years have brought regular
pleasure in having the opportunity to extract the michael from master Vail,
in match programmes and latterly through the wonder of the web. In
particular, there was a certain glee in being able to report the end of the
longest unbeaten run in the National League, coupled naturally with the
disappointment of having to accept the wooden spoon last season. But he
takes it well, as someone who prepares for a match with a breakfast of 6
sausages, 3 rashers of bacon, 3 fried eggs, baked beans, toast and Guinness
should. When discussing recently the issues of refereeing standards and
player behaviour with 1 particular top class referee, he was described as
being a little volatile at times, but ultimately respectful of the
official’s position, possibly a description that applies to the Vole at
large (and he will be if he keeps breakfasting like that!). But a genuine
little chappie much liked by the Chichester cognoscenti.
Hence it now gives me huge disappointment to reveal to the World of Squash
that he, Master Timothy Vail, is now the only player with a 100% appearance
and 100% win record in the National League this season. Ouch! Mind you, he
has had to work a bit to get there – the match against Glenn Wilson was Vole
blowing at his finest. But on to tonight’s match – and for once, the
“Chichester always seem to win 3-2” adage failed, and we sneaked away with a
4-1 cracker. It looked a bit tight on paper, and with our Lindy “resting”,
we thought we might struggle, but the various afflictions of the Lee ladies
resources came to our rescue. Mind you, with 2 wins out of 3 now this
season, Suzie Pierrepont is a good asset to the squad, and she cruised to a
3-0 win, although Sue Williams put up a good fight, and will today be
nursing a sore foot courtesy of your humble scribe’s clumsy footwork – sorry
Sue!
On the other court, Chris “the knowledge” Tomlinson looked useful and in
good shape against Peter Barker - the old backhand flick is still there
although maybe a bit rusty. But Peter showed why he got to the World Junior
Final in an all round display of control, and a majestic backhand drop that
Tommo saw every time but didn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of getting to.
The only thing he forgot to bring from that match was the ability to lose,
so it was 1 string each with the big guns warming up.
Young Mr. Garner owed a bit of payback after the first match of the season
when he was basically stuffed by Ben Howell, so it was a highly motivated
number 3 that went into action. A tight 11-9 in the first was followed by a
slightly easier 9-6 and gave Benjy a good start, but the Lee Ben fought back
to take the 3rd. Mind you, the first contained 2 of the spawniest winning
points I have seen so far in NSL – a lunging “wood” that spun up (somehow)
onto the front wall, followed by a back wall squirt that gave Howell no
chance. Hey ho! 9-5 to Benjy in the 4th for the chance of a team win.
Meanwhile the aforementioned Vole was entering the fray against Mark
Heather. Despite Mark’s progress in the last 12 months, the visitor was
always in the match, and the Vole controlled the game early on to take a
fairly comfortable 2-0 lead. Mark fought back (or rather Vole resorted to
regular timpani like performances on the tin!) to take the 3rd, and it was a
typical Vail performance to take the 4th and the match whilst exuding
copious quantities of Carbon Dioxide from his nether regions! Blow? He
nearly exploded, but with the vocal support of the Chi lardy army, he came
through.
But he wasn’t the only record breaker. Bradley “You’re bloody useless
referee, you’ll never ref here again, Lindsey can we change the ref ‘cos
he’s useless?” Ball (and I’ve censored some of that Linda!) may have set a
new NSL record with a 17-15 2nd game win over Peter Genever. I can only find
a 16-14 by Mark Cairns over Davide Bianchetti in December 2001, but no doubt
Mr. Hargrave will prove me wrong! Despite that, he lost 3-2 in a typical
Ball/Genever match full of nicks, hard hitting and running, and contested
decisions. To be fair, Brads did get a couple of stinkers against him, but
when you give it up to the ref like he did, you can’t expect to get anything
back, except the conduct warning that he did.
Jelly was playing well though, and obviously was frustrating Brads by
getting the ball back so much, especially when Brads was slamming the ball
into the nick, as he does. We thought he was in serious trouble when a
member of the constabulary appeared behind the court, but it was just a
warning for having gone the wrong way so many times! Alan Thatcher wanted to
know how long the match lasted, but I don’t know. All I do know is that it
was a 4-1 to the Chi, and there we are breathing the scent of Broxbourne’s
tail!
3 weeks to wait until our next epic against Broxbourne, followed a week
later by Lexden. Both at home, so it should be a feast for our knowledgeable
band of imbibers. I apologise for the brevity of this contribution but flu
and work are conspiring to deaden my inspirational faculties – better next
time, I promise.
03 Dec 02 - Week Five
UK Packaging 2-3
Chichester
Peter Nicol beat Peter Genever
4/9, 9/6, 9/7, 9/4
Tim Garner beat Moh'd Azlan Iskandar 9/2, 9/3, 9/6
Glen Wilson lost Tim Vail 9/7, 9/3, 6/9, 2/9, 4/9
Steve Richardson lost Ben Garner 9/4,4/9, 9/11, 2/9
Lauren Briggs lost Linda Charman 1/9, 1/9, 5/9
LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER,
CHARMAN VERBAL OUTBURST SHOCK,
MR. RICHARDSON GOES FISHING!
Peter Crabtree reports
Well, where to start. A choice of headlines so good, I had to use all 3. The
obvious one first – Lambs to the slaughter. Well, it wasn’t really, but you
can’t spurn an opportunity like that, can you? UK Packaging’s first match at
Mike Corby’s Flagship Lambs Club didn’t go entirely to plan, for the hosts,
anyway. Little old Chichester turned up in the metropolis with a full
strength side to take on the might of the World No.1 and his chums, ably led
by Captain Tim Garner, buoyed by a good league position and a travelling
support that would grace Barnoldswick United.
Big Pete and I ventured forth into the night skies a little apprehensive of
what the City held in store for us country boys. My, things have changed
since Red Ken took charge of the sprawling mess that used to be known as
London. You could see the floor on the tube for starters, although I have to
say that the new interior décor was a tad strange - multi-coloured sprayings
straight off the tail of a BA jumbo, interspersed with Big Mac packs.
Anyway, we arrived at Lambs in time for the start, which featured our Linda
in her first appearance since the announcement of her ban.
Featuring what I initially took to be a minor orthodontic device, it turned
out to be the latest in her penchant for body piercing and the like – one of
YKK’s finest zips in her gob! Bless her, she smiled at everyone, looked the
fittest I have seen her, and despatched the lovely Lauren Briggs for 7
points, 5 of those being in the 3rd! Although it looks to be a bit of a
stuffing, Lauren really does move well, strikes the ball beautifully, and
doesn’t look to be too far from bridging the gap to the big time.
Meanwhile, the Vole took to the stage against Lambs’ own Glen Wilson, and
started by trying to out hack the host. Wrong! 2-0 down fairly quickly, and
adopting his usual 5th game shade of purple in the 2nd, this did not look
good. However, Glen started to show the effects of the pace in the 3rd, and
Captain Fantastic Vail edged the game to give himself a chance. We started
getting confident now, as Vole is used to playing knackered squash, and is
probably better when doing so! 9-2, 9-4 saw off the UK man to give the Chi a
2-0 start for the evening.
New boy Azzi took to the court against Captain Tim Garner, full of
confidence that he would be able to see off his training partner. How wrong
can you get? Tim had said before the match that he felt he was in the best
shape he had been for some time, and that his preparations for the World’s
had gone well. His experience and all-round sharpness soon had the match
over and done with, and the first point on the board for UKP. Meanwhile
brother Ben (he’ll never beat me, because when he looks like he might, I’ll
avoid playing him!) took on Steve Richardson.
1 game down fairly quickly, and possibly not playing his best, Ben soon
started to vary the pace better, and got into a rhythm that was disrupting
his opponent. Despite regular use of the front angle to squirt the ball
across the court, Richardson was finding it harder and harder to dominate
the game, and Ben gradually eased away. Now, what does a player need to
participate in a game of squash? Racket obviously, good pair of shoes,
general kit, ball, what else? Well, occasionally, a king size perch rod with
all the gubbins. Ben hacks the ball down the middle of the court (crap
shot), Steve lines up to play the ball with Ben a good couple of metres
behind him, raises his racket to strike the ball (or show that he could have
played it), asks for the let, ball strikes Ben. Decision? Stroke. “Why?”
asks Ben, having clearly been well away from his opponent. “I have no
option, the ball struck you”. Now, the Rules as they are written are a tad
unclear on what is shaping to play the shot. It would appear reasonable
that, if the ball is above shoulder height and the player raises his racket
to the ball, elects not to play it allowing the ball to go past him, and
then makes no effort to go and play the ball, he is asking for a let, at
which point the rally is dead. But the same southern hemisphere drawl which
asked Jelly if he was appealing some time ago was having none of it. When
does common sense come into this? It was no let for starters as there was no
interference, even for someone with the wing-span of an albatross! “He’s a
law unto himself, that one” came the comment from someone who probably
shouldn’t have said it, given his position! But I name no names!
But Ben won to give us the match, and we then had the number 1’s to look
forward to. PG has made some improvements recently, and this would be a good
test against the best there is. We had done some intense training in the
last few days, and felt he had just about perfected the glance on the
shoulder, and sprawling cartwheel to the floor, so we definitely had a
guaranteed time-out for an hour or so if we needed it. First game – hello,
what is going on? Fast and furious with some cracking shots, Jelly was the
man, and 9-4 to the Chi. 2nd game, just the same, but with the bully boy
getting into the groove a bit, and showing his class. Time for the injury
yet? Not likely, we’re in full flow, and despite being on the receiving end
of some fairly brutal rallies, we are still well in the game. However, a
couple of decisions that maybe the World Champion got because he is went
against Jelly, so it was 2-1 to Pete Nic. The 4th was a bit of a
disappointment, but PN played the best he did in the match, oozing class,
retrieving skills, great racket control, superb disguise and shot-making,
but it was closer than 9-4 suggests. 3-2 to the Chi, then, and consolidating
our position just behind the leaders, just waiting for a slip up.
So another good evening’s entertainment over, a cracking meal courtesy of
Mr. Garner senior, a few beverages, and off to the train again. Oh, the
Charman outburst? I hear you ask. Ah well, you see, you really thought that
she would let slip tonight didn’t you, but she promised not to. Well, apart
from when she tipped a pint of Coke over the barman, that is, and then it
was a very funny “Oh bottoms!”
Happy Christmas everyone, enjoy your squash, and we’ll be back with some
more of my ramblings next year.
01 Dec 02 - Charman Banned - Chi reaction
PERHAPS THERE IS A GLIMMER OF DAYLIGHT
Peter Crabtree's view ...
As you have probably read
on the
Grapevine, England Squash have announced the punishment for Linda
Charman’s Code of Conduct violation in the match with Becky Macree at Lexden
last month. A one week ban is the only sanction that can legally be imposed
under the Code, which seems remarkably light, and potentially ineffective as
it could take place when there are no matches or tournaments, and thereby be
a waste of time.
The actual penalty imposed, which has been accepted by Linda without
question, is probably more reasonable, and certainly more appropriate in
that it can be applied to make her miss a match (and hopefully only one!).
What was interesting to read was that they are going to further investigate
other aspects of the match, from which one can only deduce that Becky’s
approach to the game, and possibly also the refereeing, which was dodgy to
say the least, are going to be looked at.
The two issues are connected, and as this humble scribe has said time and
again, the referees have to impose the rules on the players more
consistently, and in some cases, more strictly, and then the contentious
issues that become major problems during the game will just not arise. That
and the players being more honest with the refs will make such a huge
difference to the game.
Some players will find it more difficult than others to adapt to a new
regime, but then if they are good enough and fit enough, they will soon get
used to it. Some refs will also find it hard to stick to a stronger line,
but again, the better ones don’t have a problem now.
So maybe there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of arguments,
barging, blocking, crap decisions and the like, and we will see better
standards all round. If that is the case, we all have to applaud the
position that England Squash are taking.
Peter Crabtree
19 Nov 02 - Week FOUR
Chichester 5-0
UniS Guildford
Peter Genever bt Stephen Meads 9/5, 9/4, 4/9, 5/9, 9/7
Moh'd Azlan Iskander bt Stacey Ross 9/6, 7/9, 9/6, 9/5
Tim Vail bt Neil Frankland 9/6, 12/10, 10/12, 9/4
Ben Garner bt Ross Norman 9/5, 9/4, 11/13, 10/8
Susie Pierrepont bt Anne Connell 9/0, 9/2, 9/1
GENEVER IN BLOCKA-BEATA DRUGS SHOCK
...... or ......
THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Peter Crabtree reports
(with apologies to George Lucas!)
 After
a wonderful evening’s entertainment, with a tremendous performance from ex-World
Champion Ross Norman, the Chichester Club was stunned to learn that the No.1
Peter Genever Junior had tested positive for a hitherto unknown substance,
classified generically as a blocka-beata. No traces of Nandrolone, Cocaine, or
even Olbas Oil were found in one of the fiercest tests carried out for some
time, but the outcome was undeniable – blocka-beata was present. But more of
that later.
The evening started with musical entertainment from Unknown Artists’ promoter
and top artist Matthew Swansong, who thrilled a packed gallery with a full
repertoire of musical snippets and humorous introductions, including the arrival
of Stacey “the Boss” Ross to one of Edmundo’s finest anthems. Oh the nostalgia
of throbbing dance hall floors studded with sequins and stilettos, just like Ben
Garner’s back, but I promised not to tell! First up on the show court, and a
fitting place indeed, was former World Champion Ross Norman with a demonstration
of the silky skills that were such a trademark of his game. Now into his
thirties (thirty thirteen in fact), he still moves like a cat about the court,
and maintains an incredibly high level of fitness. We were concerned that
senility may have been setting in when asking for set 1 at 8 all in the 3rd, but
it was to be OK. But Benjy knew what to do, and despite a blip in that 3rd,
eased away to a 9/5 9/4 11/13 10/8 win, which just for a while looked as if it
might become shades of Ross and Tony Hands a few weeks ago. Ross is a firm
favourite at Chichester, and has taken the run of ex-Chichester players playing
against us to a new level, in that he is currently a Chi player in the National
knockouts, as he has been for quite some time now. So what the Italians call
“the immutable law of the ex” couldn’t work!
Suzie Pierrepont got some revenge for her result at Broxbourne by seeing off
Anne Connell for a couple of points, while the Vole beat Neil Frankland 3-1,
although the scoreboard operator seemed to think that the visitor may have been
a tad fortunate to get a game, Vole winning 9/6 12/10 10/12 9/4. Then on the
main court, we had debutant Mohamed Azlan Iskandar, who from now on, to save
space, will be Azzi! I raved about Greg Gaultier last season, being impressed by
his movement and shot-making – this boy is better on this display, mind you,
according to the UniS Manager and Coach, it was puzzling that “the Boss” managed
to go through the match without showing a bead of sweat on his shirt, so he must
be supremely fit! Azzi combines economy of movement with the trademark Neil
Harvey footwork, and superb racket control, and seems to be able to cope with
whatever his opponent throws at him. OK, he let the odd loose ball get tucked
away for the inevitable nick from Stacey, but after losing the 2nd game, he just
seemed to tease the visitor, almost as if to say, you do what you want, because
I am going to beat you. And he did.
So, 4-0 to the Chi, and a welcome form of pressure for the number 1. Used to
being 2-2 at best, or 3-1 down as in the last match, he had the chance for a
whitewash of the visitors, and the opportunity to see Robbo with a scowl rather
than a frown! Can’t pass on chances like that, can you? He tried! The first game
was a cracker – hard hitting from both players, and the now inevitable yellow
card for Genever from the referee for hitting 4 nicks in the first game, and we
are talking rollers here – top quality slaps into the angle that left Meadsy
nowhere. 9/5 9/4 and seemingly on course for an individual shut-out as well.
This is when it started to go wrong, and the aforementioned substance and
retaliation from the ref became evident. It would seem that the campaign for a
harder line on opportunist lets is gathering pace, and to Steve’s open
disappointment, he was being refused more and more requests for let when the
officials made it clear that he wasn’t making enough effort, particularly when
he had played a loose shot previously.
 Aha! Then,
the piece de resistance. Another let to Jelly was given at the front of the
court when, having played the ball short, Meads stepped forward into his
opponent’s line to the ball, preventing access with a quality block. “Don’t ruin
it” he cried in frustration to the referee, but no good would come from it.
He played well though, to get back to 2-2, and the 5th was close to the end,
with more no lets, and to be fair, in the whole match, there were probably no
more than 2 or 3 dodgy decisions, and those edged in favour of the visitor. At
7-3, Jelly nicked a winner again, to get to match ball. Meadsy sneaked a winner
to get to 4-8, then a long rally, with a dodgy let for the visitor, and Steve
serving again at match ball down.
“4-8, match ball” said the marker. “You’re not going to keep
saying match ball up to 8-8 are you?” he quizzed the poor official. Before a
reply could emanate from Hacker’s mouth, the crowd had beaten him to it – “It
won’t go that far” echoed from the rafters, followed by umpteen “Match Ball”s as
he prepared to serve. A grin crept across his elfin face however, as he served.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it got to 7-8, complete with choruses of
“match ball” each time he served. A punishing rally followed, ending with a
clash of racket on wall as he failed to get the ball back, and it was match to
Jelly, together with, we think, the first ever 5-0 to the Chi in the National
League.
More information then came to light about blocka-beata’s. The most recent
discovery has been in a Jelly form, but with a smoother differently shaped top
than before. Rumoured to emanate from Bolivia, officials have launched a
desperate search for any further stashes, and there are very strong rumours that
a batch is on its way to Hailsham!
December 3rd beckons, and a trip to Lamb’s to play UKP. It can’t get any better
than this though, unless PG beats PN for another 5-0, but Neil Harvey doesn’t
have quite the same quality of displeased look as our Yorkie visitor tonight! He
didn’t pay back the beer from last year though! Typical!
05 Nov 02 - Week THREE
Tek Sing Lexden 4 - 1
Chichester
David Evans bt Peter Genever 9/2, 9/4, 9/4
Tony Hands lost Tim Vail 2/9, 7/9, 4/9
Lee Drew bt Ben Garner 13/11, 9/6, 5/9, 7/9, 9/2
Raj Nanda bt Ritwik Bhattacharya 9/6, 9/7, 12/10
Rebecca Macree bt Linda Charman 4/9, 9/5, 4/9, 9/3, 7/0 disq.
TAKE TWO
Peter Crabtree reports ... again
Well, would you believe it. The ‘phone has been
ringing off the hook and the e-mails have been flooding in. Having expected
to be chided for being unfair to Becky about Tuesday’s match with our Lindy
– absolutely the opposite!
Firstly, it would appear that I owe Mary Scott-Miller an apology for a
factual inaccuracy, in that neither she nor the other lady referee said that
they were not happy refereeing the match, in fact neither of them were given
the opportunity. It seems that the MRC decided that he would take control
(ha ha!) of the match, not giving two respected and experienced referees the
opportunity to do so. It further appears that, allegedly, this particular
official has never refereed a match at a higher level, and has only recently
gained experience of refereeing professionals at NSL level. Now correct me
if I am wrong here, but this does seem a bit back-to-front. I am very happy
to apologise to Mary and her colleague for the error, and I trust that the
gentleman in question will do likewise!
 Secondly,
I have been told that the comments about the ladies’ match were too
restrained, and should have gone further about Linda’s language, and Becky’s
behaviour in particular. The general consensus is that Linda should know
better, and following the Worlds recently, and her tantrums there, she
should be officially warned. Cobblers – the men, or some of them, regularly
use the word, and worse, in the direction of referees. One player in our
match against Lee told the referee he was a useless ****! I have also seen a
player walk off court, climb up the gallery seats, get right into the
referee’s face and tell him he is “a bloody disgrace – don’t ever referee a
match of mine again” and not even get a conduct warning, let alone lose the
match like he should have. So she got hacked off and let fly verbally – if
the referee had controlled the match from the outset, not allowing Becky to
get away with physically abusing her opponent by constant barging and
running into her back, then the level of frustration wouldn’t have got to
where it did, and the referee would then have had every right to follow the
conduct procedures that he did. She still shouldn’t have done it, and I know
she is embarrassed by the incident, and regrets what she said.
The general opinion of the comments I have received is that Becky’s
aggression on court, and her constant barging and blocking is tantamount to
cheating, and those comments come from neutrals, and Lexden supporters, as
well as from our side. She makes little effort to get to the ball if there
is no direct path to it, and looks for lets and strokes whenever there is
slight interference, or she is not going to get to the ball because of her
opponent’s shot. She isn’t the only one, and like handling of opponents in
football, it tarnishes the game, and reduces it from one of the finest
spectator sports (in my opinion) to a disjointed, unattractive semi-brawl.
It is up to referees to sort it out – what happened to the “minimal
interference” guideline, and “making every effort to get to and play the
ball”?
So once again, sorry Mary, and sort it out refs!
WHAT THE *#Ω♀ IS GOING ON?
Peter Crabtree reports
Squash is a great game – one of the ultimate tests of skill and strength,
but it seems to me that more and more, the players that make the effort to
get to the top by doing things right are the ones that get penalised by the
crafty ones who are often less than scrupulous, and by referees who are
basically incompetent. There are a few players around who use every trick in
the book to attempt to win, often by conning the referee when blocking or
making no effort to get to the ball, and I regret to say that one of those
was on court tonight. It all started before the match when the lady
officials allegedly expressed reluctance to officiate in view of the history
of the 2 players, and were replaced by a man who claimed he would exert more
control. My daughter’s pet hamster could have done better, and he has been
asleep for two weeks.
Before the story begins to unfold, here is the position. A great game is
being tarnished as a result of the inadequate standard of refereeing – just
read back through the match reports of last season as well as this one, all
the Clubs, not just us. Speak to the players. Watch a few matches around the
different clubs. The story is consistent. So England Squash must face up to
the problem, and fix it, if they want what is an excellent product to become
more popular and more attractive. There are numerous possibilities, but only
a few that can have any effect quickly. Firstly, and probably the only
realistic (if unachievable) option, is that players have to referee. With a
local referee as marker, they would, I am sure, be impartial, as the other
players are their peers, not the Club members or officials, and would
command a greater level of respect from the players and make less
fundamental mistakes. They should get a sensible fee for their time, if not
playing, and the local referees would benefit from their thinking, and
improve. Secondly, referees should be encouraged to get experience and
qualifications and, if suitable, be fast-tracked to tournament grade and
onwards. They should be paid a sensible fee for officiating at NSL matches,
and if a debrief between the players and officials could be held after the
match, then the relationship between the two “sides” must surely improve.
Players cannot expect referees to debate decisions during a game, but they
can definitely expect to have the opportunity to review them afterwards, and
explain their point of view.
Anyway, from last season’s handbags at dusk, here we got full-blooded
confrontation. A match that, as mentioned before, was expected to be tough,
became emotional, a tad aggressive, and riddled with inexplicably bad
decisions. On courts that, for the second match running, were dripping wet,
the players set about their business with some good squash, some deliberate
blocking, and some fairly lame lets after making no effort to go and play
the ball. It has to be said here that neither party was particularly
innocent in this match – the senior player should have been able to handle
the situation better (something she recognises), and the (currently banned)
World No.10 should know better.
 Linda sensed that Becky was not comfortable chasing the short ball, and
begun to control the game, playing some excellent short shots, combined with
good lengths, and generally showing the good form she has been enjoying for
some time now. The inevitable outcome came about, and Becky begun to play
Linda’s bum (something that I find understandable!) rather than one of
Dunlop’s finest pieces of black rubber. Let after let after let – what an
awful game this was becoming. Why is it that referees are scared of saying –
“No let – you must make every effort to get to, and play, the ball”. After
all, even I get told that occasionally. It ceases to become a spectacle,
rather a tedious procession of garbage decisions, and the players
understandably get more and more frustrated. The game went to Linda, but not
comfortably, and the second went much the way of the first, leading to Linda
losing her rag somewhat, launching her racket at the front wall, the first
warning, and the game to Becky. 3rd to Lindy, 4th to Becky, but getting
progressively worse, believe it or not, as it went on. Finally, with Becky
7-0 up and the fumes visibly emanating from Linda, Becky played a ball to
the back, and as Linda went past her to play it, she dropped her racket into
Linda’s path – let please, on the basis that it was stroke to Linda – no
let. Deep breath, and then it came out - just pure frustration and
amazement. ‘Nuff said!
The “Bhatty boy” played not bad, but got sucked into playing Raj’s game, and
lost comfortably. He has the makings of a good player, but must learn to
impose his game on his opponent, or he will continue to get punished. Vole
outcrafted the Tiger to win comfortably, but here was a game of movement,
skill and good shots – all the things that make it a great game to watch as
well as play. Not bad for two part-timers!
The Drewboy (remember what I said last time about our cast-offs coming back
to haunt us? – sorry Lee!) played out of his skin, and really should be
capable of more success with performances like this. Ben Garner has come on
well since becoming a full-time professional, and the contrasting styles
actually complemented each other well, with Garner’s athleticism and power
being matched by Drew’s control – which is what eventually secured him the
win – and anticipation. Ben clawed his way back to 2-2, but his lack of
control over the length and pace of the game eventually had to count, and
the Lexden man edged away to the win – match to Lexden.
Emu was in a hurry to get home, didn’t miss a thing, and despatched a less
than up for it Jelly for not enough points. Sometimes happens when the
result is already decided, and the pressure is off. And if you’re a not bad
player! Which he is. So, our first defeat of the season, and down to 3rd
place. But it is quite close, and the next match against Robbo’s raiders
will be crucial, and they have a crafty player in their ranks too!
22 Oct 02 - Week TWO
ABOUT TIME TOO!
Peter Crabtree reports
TVS Broxbourne 2 - 3 Team Chichester
Danny Meddings lost Peter Genever 2/9,
7/9, 9/6, 2/9
Darren Bradbury lost Tim Vail 6/9, 8/10, 4/9
Jesse Engelbrecht bt Ben Ford 9/7, 9/3, 9/5
Mark Woodliffe lost Chris Tomlinson 7/9, 4/9, 9/5, 9/2, 2/9
Natalie Pohrer bt Suzanne Pierrepont 9/1, 9/0, 9/0
One of the pleasures of being a member of the Chichester
Club is that it is such a welcoming place to be. New members are made to
feel comfortable, and past members are always welcomed back with open arms.
So it is a bit off when people then abuse that family spirit by ganging up
on us. 2 weeks ago, we had ex-players in Mark Heather and “Captain Caveman”
Dean Watson on the Lee-on-Solent side, this time ex Chichester Club Champion
Mark Woodliffe turns up against us. And why is it that they always seem to
put in a good performance against us? Old Woodentop belied his advancing
years and dodgy body with a sterling performance against Chris “the
knowledge” Tomlinson, but we were not to be denied.
Much had been made about the weakened teams with the current round of
tournaments abroad, but part of the skill of the National League Manager’s
role is to get a good spread of abilities in the side, and Vole did a grand
job for us this summer. So it was with a degree of confidence that we set
out on the trek to Broxbourne, looking for our first win against them in
some 4 years. No Chip, no Rodders, and no Greg Gaultier did look promising,
and despite Linda not being available, much to the disappointment of the
Broxbourne management, we felt that we had a good chance of pocketing the
points, and hopefully resuming our place at the top of the League. Mind you,
we tend to do that at the start of each season, then lose the plot.
First up on the show court was Zimbabwe’s Jesse Engelbrecht against Ben
Ford. Jesse showed the benefits of training at Broxbourne, particularly in
adapting his shots to make the best use of the river flowing down the walls!
Ben worked hard, but couldn’t slot his nicks, and the pace of the game was a
bit too much, and he lost 7, 3 and 5. On the other court, old Woodentop went
2 down fairly quickly against “the knowledge”, but then Tommo went to sleep
and let Mark back into the game, although a good bollocking from the Vole
put him back on track, and he eased the 5th 9-2 to level the match.
Suzie Pierrepont showed guts in her (mis)match with Natalie Pohrer, and can
only benefit from the experience. On the other court, the ageless (?) Darren
Bradbury, he of the quick nick and the even quicker tongue, was always
struggling against Tim Vail. The talking started in the second game, and
almost worked as he took the score to 8-8 before Vole took the game, and
then ran out a comfortable winner 3-0. All square for a change, and Jelly on
court.
Not the prettiest of matches with Danny’s bum playing a prominent part. Mind
you, he still volleys as well as the best, and he certainly knows where the
nick is. Jelly kept the pace up, which had to affect Danny before long, and
took the first two games perhaps more easily than the score would suggest.
Danny took the 3rd, but the aforementioned item came more into play, and
Jelly was being regularly kept away from the ball, or the sight of it, and
the lets started dominating the game (or at least requests for them). The
first ever conduct warning for Jelly was crap really. If referees don’t
listen to the players, can they really be surprised if they get a bit arsey?
Mind you, if you back-chat certain refs, they like to show their power, and
this was possibly one of those. Anyway, he stuffed Danny after that, to take
the match and give Chichester their first ever win at Broxbourne, and the
first win home or away against them for 4 years.
About time too! Lexden next – and hopefully another
win!!!!
08 Oct 02 - Week ONE
NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED
by Reporter of the Year Peter Crabtree
Chichester 3 v 2 Lee on Solent
Peter Genever beat Bradley Ball 10-8, 8-10, 9-5, 9-7
Tim Vail beat Mark Heather 9-6, 9-3, 2-9, 10-8
Ben Garner lost Ben Howell 2-9, 3-9, 10-8, 5-9
Laurent Elriani lost Peter Barker 5-9, 4-9, 11-13
Linda Charman beat Tina Rix 9-0, 9-2, 9-0
The scoreline prediction was an easy one – Chi always seem
to win 3-2! (look back to last year’s reports if you don’t believe me!). It
was like snuggling up with an old friend and a bottle of decent wine –
refreshing yet comfortable, the sort of evening activity that all should
enjoy.
The humiliation of being cheated out of the title last year seems a distant
and fading memory, and it is significant, we believe, that the departure of
that Mr. Hargrave has led to a resurgence of the Chichester victories that
had become a feature of the National Squash League. Once again, the
application of class and determination will result in a team victory, and
there is no question that the title will arrive where it belongs next
spring.
We do, though, have to give credit to the chaps from Lee on Solent – a
pleasant little backwater of the South Coast. They made the journey to our
fair City in good spirits, led by the ever cheerful “Captain Caveman” Dean
Watson, another ex-professional who cut his National League teeth at
Chichester – in fact I vividly remember discussing Linda’s new tattoo with
him at Barnham Broom in our first season, particularly on discovering that
her newest addition was a subtly placed cuddly animal, and he innocently
enquiring if it might be a beaver! But to get back to normal topics, it was
a sad journey back for them having endured the inevitable defeat, led from
the front by our homecoming Queen Linda Charman, who graced our courts as
well as she ever did in her previous reign. Looking trim and fit, especially
in that suede skirt, she was gentleness personified in quickly despatching
the game Tina Rix for 2 points.
Meanwhile, new boy Laurent Eriani was struggling with the nature of the NSL
scoring, and couldn’t get into his match with Peter Barker. The visitor also
looked ill at ease as he was struggling to settle into a new team after the
lovely family atmosphere of UniS last season, and was clearly missing the
affections of his former (tor)mentor. The French No.5 was getting more and
more into the game, but lost the 3rd 13-11 for a 3-0 defeat, but was clearly
upset that he hadn’t produced a better performance. I don’t know how often
we will see him, but he promises to be a useful player. So 1 string each,
and all to play for.
The younger Garner took to the court against the confident Ben Howell, who,
according to the programme bio “lasts as long as Jelly”. At what, we are not
sure, but he took little trouble in despatching his opponent 3-1, whilst the
home Captain Tim Vole was taking on Mark Heather in what was clearly going
to be a critical match. Despite his allegiance to those heathens of
Middleton, Mark is a likeable chap who also started his National League
career with us, his first match being away to Potters Bar against an Iain
Higgins at the peak of his tempestuous form. I remember it well (so does
Higgs!), and I have to say that ever since then, I have tended to be the
focus of his fixation with the gallery, and we have exchanged some splendid
banter, generally with a grin! But then, I don’t ref National League! But
back to the real thing once again. Vole was snuffling like a mole rather
than a Vole, and clearly wanted us all to recognise the tremendous suffering
he was enduring in order to pull the irons out of the fire for Chichester.
He was the first beneficiary of the new win bonus scheme I introduced, but I
wanted it to be 100% bonus and no match fee. Anyway, 2 weeks to go and no
players suggested Vole’s way was right, so we went with his idea. 2-0 up and
cruising (ha ha!) and Mark decided that his opponent was there for the
taking, and controlled the rallies to take an easy 9-2 game. The 4th was
classic Vail – knackered but unyielding, any nick will do, and he “eased”
away to a 10-8 match win to set up Jelly for his ritual war with Brads.
When I said normal service, I meant it. The ref was on a different planet,
awarding 2 yellow cards to the local hero for unsporting conduct in going
for the nick (and hitting it!) on a regular basis. Mind you, when Brads
asked for a let (reasonable) and got just that rather than the stroke he
wanted, it was a bit injudicious to call the aforesaid gentleman a t*#t,
especially when in the very next rally, he asked for another let (clearest
stroke ever in the history of squash) and got a let. Apoplexy takes on
various different hues, but this was deepest purple mist, and Brads looked
as if he was coming over the glass-back at one point. Serves you right!
Jelly was in a different class, retrieving superbly, and generally
dominating the rallies, although Brads showed why he has moved up the
rankings, playing probably the best squash I have seen from him. When Brads
is cracking the ball low and hard, he is a difficult player to dominate, and
you expect the odd nick or 12 from him, but he just wasn’t getting the
chances. It was close though, and a 10-8 either way was a fair reflection of
the game. It is difficult to see why PG has been struggling recently, as he
was sharp, striking the ball well, superbly controlled drops, and varying
the pace and nature of the game. Predictable he ain’t anymore, and Brads was
tiring with the workrate. 9-5 9-7 to the Jells claimed the anticipated
victory for the Chi.
It was a good match, and bodes well for the season. Bloody Broxbourne top
already, but they’re next, and which players are around? We’ll have to wait
and see!
2001/02
Round 10 - Tue 12th Feb
Team Chichester 1- 4 Unisport Guildford
Peter Genever lost Paul Johnson 4-9 9-7 9-6 9-11 3-9
John Russell lost Stephen Meads 7-9 9-4 4-9 12-14
Tim Vail lost Stacey Ross 7-9 3-9 8-10
Ben Garner beat Neil Frankland 9-3 6-9 12-10 10-12 9-1
Tania Bailey lost Fiona Geaves 5-9 4-9 0-9
UPROAR AT CHICHESTER –
HARGRAVE ROBS CHI, GENEVER YELLOW CARDED
Peter Crabtree reports
Amazing scenes broke out at Oaklands Park last night as the
realisation dawned that Chichester had failed to take up their rightful place
in the play-offs as a result of the scoring system set up by National League
administrator Brian Hargrave. Despite frantic negotiations by ‘phone that ran
into the early hours, the point blank refusal of the top brass to reconsider
the scoring system that has robbed Chichester of their due reward finally led
to the services of the WSF African representative Bob Mug-anyone being secured
to ratify the scores. His initial reaction was encouraging, as he felt that a
clear injustice had been done, and he promised to correct the results, and had
already despatched a team of his “representatives” to negotiate with Mr.
Hargrave.
The reports on the individual games are clearly academic, as they will be
overturned by the special commission set up to correct the injustice. However,
labouring under the weight of the realisation that they had been robbed, the
Chi players put up a valiant effort, but the task of trying to win when the
UniS players were getting points for winning rallies was too big a challenge.
The game is hard enough already, but opponents who actually run (it was a bit
like Connaught earlier in the season) and try and beat you just make it
unreasonable.
The final insult was the yellow carding of local hero Peter Genever. Having
been warned in an outrageous display of official over zealousness for hitting
a nick, something he had been castigated for the previous week, he was finally
shown the yellow card after attempting the same thing four times in the same
rally, finally successfully. He was possibly lucky to stay on the court with a
nick tally of 9 by the end of the match, and his opponent Paul Johnson was
clearly frustrated by Genever’s unsporting behaviour.
The match details? Well, Tania Bailey looked somewhat below par in losing 3-0
against Fiona Geaves, who looks worth a top 5 place at the moment, well she
does in my book, anyway. There were some good rallies, and good movement from
the girls, but the senior player won fairly comfortably. On the adjacent
court, Ben Garner and Neil Frankland were at war, and despite having 2 match
points in the 4th, Garner decided to put in for some overtime, finally
cruising to a 3-2 win. JR took on Steve Meads, and in a tight match was
possibly a shade unlucky to lose 3-2, but only managed 4 nicks, so he needs to
take a leaf out of Mr. Genever’s book, and go back to his old assertive ways,
and stop all this rallying nonsense.
2-1 to the UniS then, and captain Tim Vail on court with the fast improving
Stacey Ross. A match which went fairly comfortably to the Vole in the 1st
half, was sweet revenge for the Guildford man, as Vail only managed to put up
a bit of resistance in the 3rd, losing 3-0. Looking like the wooden spoon by
now, it was up to Jelly to restore some pride. Jelly wasn’t looking like the
wooden spoon, the league position was! 7 tins in the 1st game wasn’t going to
help his chances against PJ, who was looking rather confident again, stroking
the ball around, but he wasn’t getting it all his own way. PG took the second
and third looking as confident as someone who had 5 match points against Bengy
the previous night should do, setting up the chance of a win against a much
higher ranked opponent. 2 match points in the 4th passed, and PJ eased away to
a win.
Mr. Robinson took his promised pint with grace (much!), and we look forward to
resuming battle next season. The cheque book is coming out for some squad
strengthening, and the Chairman has given the Manager the vote of confidence.
****STOP PRESS****
News has just reached us that Bob Mug-anyone has been
refused entry at Heathrow due to a visa irregularity, on instructions from the
Home Office. An un-named spokesmen called Brian said that this sort of
undesirable could not be permitted access to the UK without a cheque card or
other form of identification. Whatever next?
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