The Sham of the Playoffs
Peter Crabtree fails to see the need ...

04 Mar - Week TEN

Chichester  5-0  UK Packaging
Peter Crabtree: "I'm lost for words ..."*
   Peter Genever beat Stuart Cowie  9-4, 9-5, 9-4
   Moh'd Azlan Iskandar beat Jamie Davis  9-2, 9-3, 9-7
   Tim Vail beat Daryl Selby  9-6, 10-8, 9-5
   Ben Garner beat Matthew Bolt  9-6, 9-5, 9-1
   Suzie Pierrepont beat Tegwen Malik  w/o

OHMYGOSH
Peter Crabtree is gobsmacked ...

For those of you that find these epistles exciting, interesting, or even plain garbage, this will explore new boundaries in tedium and brevity.

Somehow, little Chichester, a small City in West Sussex, close to Colin McQuillan’s boondocks (sorry Colin, but last time you said it we made the play-offs, so it is nice to just rub it in again!) has not only reached the National Squash League play-offs, but has actually done so as Champions. With a won/lost ratio of 9-1. Anybody else lay claim to that? It does beggar belief that our squad, particularly when you look at their rankings compared to some of the other squads, has achieved this, and it reflects in no small measure the team spirit, and the relationship the players have with the members.

It was never going to be a battle with the UKP line-up shorn of its best players, but we have found that given the motivation, the lower ranked players can upset the formbook occasionally, witness the Vole’s exploits 2 weeks ago at Guildford. So it was fairly academic in that we won 3-0 5 times, although Suzie Pierrepont, a last minute replacement for the injured Linda Charman, had an easier win than her team-mates over an absent Tegwen Malik. She then put the Vole through a 30 minute session of drills and routines just to put him in his place.

It wasn’t fun for the UKP team, and the games reflected that – Ben Garner won 3-0 over Matt Bolt, but only after being on the receiving end of 3 dead nicks in the first 4 rallies. Tim stuttered to a 3-0 over Daryl Selby, whilst Azlan toyed with Jamie Davis for his 3-0. Jelly found Stuart Cowie in obdurate mood (no change there, then), but wore him down for his own 3-0.

So it was champers to celebrate, and to come to terms with the challenge ahead. The programme outlined the potential play-off line-ups, and it goes without saying that March 18th at Chichester will be a full-house, with hopefully Bozza and Fitzy gracing our courts. If they don’t, well, who knows what could happen?

Oh, and Vole got the player of the season champers!

19 Feb - Week NINE

UniSport Guildford  2-3  Chichester
   Stephen Meads lt Tim Vail  2/9, 6/9, 9/6, 4/9
   Stacey Ross bt Ritwik Bhattacharya  9/5, 11/9, 9/7
   Neil Frankland bt Ben Ford  9/1, 11/9, 3/9, 11/9
   Mick Biggs lt Chris Tomlinson  9/5, 2/9, 3/9, 5/9
   Fiona Geaves lt Linda Charman  0/9, 4/9, 10/8, 5/9

OH, YES, TIMOTHY!
TIMMY, TOMMO AND LINDY-LOU
COME OUT TO PLAY
Peter Crabtree gloats ...

This was the defining moment in a season of contrasting fortunes that secured little Chichester (or as Colin McQuillan so lovingly referred to it a couple of seasons ago, “some little place from the boondocks that nobody’s interested in” bless him) a place in the play-offs for the first time in 5 years. Worst to first, as the yanks like to say, well nearly, although there is a little matter of Mr. Garner and his chums in 2 weeks time. Knowing our luck it will be the full squad, but here’s hoping.

Having established a bit of clear blue water between us and the Broxbourne posse, we decided that, just to make it interesting, we would rest Jelly, Azzi and Ben and let them jet off somewhere nice for a sunshine break, and give the support cast some exposure. Playing Vole at the top of the order had to be a risk, one too many sausages for breakfast and Meadsy could well bring on an attack of indigestion, or worse. But we had the strength in depth of Britvic, Ben the Ford, and “the knowledge” to support our Lindy Lou, fresh back from her refereeing course in Manchester. Surely this would give the others some hope, and make the rest of the regular season games a little more interesting than just our imperious progress to the play-offs. And, we all owe Mr. Robinson a bit of encouragement, hard done by as he has been this season.

So off we set, and Linda took on Fiona Geaves. It was a disappointing match for Linda, as her recent course of Tea Kwon-Do proved worthless in the face of controlled, athletic squash from Fi. There were 11 decisions in the match, all of them pretty much on the button, and neither girl swore at the referee, or carried out any kind of assault on each other. Surely, this was the complete antithesis of what the game is supposed to be about now – I understand that the semi-final between Linda and Becky was pretty brutal yet again with the referee doing bugger all about it. Linda was warned about not clearing the ball, but when you have somebody rushing into your back most of the time it is pretty difficult. Anyway, this was not like that – it was hard fought, and although Lindy looked a tad weary at the end, she won 3-1 to give us the start we hoped for.

Meanwhile, Tommo was up against local hero Mick “the hammer” Biggs. In his first season of National League squash, he has established a bit of a reputation, so Tommo knew he was up against it. Mick has a cracking backhand (leftie!) kill that almost hurts the ears when he hits it, and he was pretty ruthless using it, building up a 6-1 lead in moments. Tommo clawed it back to 5, but then lost his way again to go 1 down. But thereafter it was fairly comfortable so there we were 2 up, as hoped. But then ……… Cookie Annan turned up and blew it. Sorry John, but after all the nice things I said last time, the match turned on a pretty crap decision at 9-8 to Ben in the second game. A clear stroke to level the match was denied, and after 2 lame tins, it was a tough match to come for Ben.

I like watching Neil Frankland play – it isn’t classic squash, but he has a trick shot for every situation, which does make it rather entertaining. Ben Ford matched him in pretty much every department, and arguably played the better squash. Both players were occasionally unhappy with the decisions, but they were mostly interpretation and marginal, so there wasn’t that much amiss. Ben won the 3rd, and looked to be cruising in the 4th, but Neil was Neil, and edged it 11-9 to put UniS on the scoreboard, albeit maybe a bit fortunate to do so.

Britvic meanwhile was up against Stacey Ross, he the victim of some adverse comment on the website recently. This was a match where if he really got stuck in, then maybe there was a glimmer of hope. But Stacey has too much talent when he is given the time, and he got too much of it – nicks, control and changes of pace and direction were too much for the Indian No.1 although he did get a real bummer of a decision in the second, losing it 11-9. The third also went to “the Boss” to level the match with the 1’s going on.

Normally, this is Jelly time, and you do feel reasonably confident of a good effort, even against Pete Nic, but Vole against Meadsy? ‘Avin a larf intcha? The match turned out to be quite interesting on a number of fronts – Linda Davie driving 300 odd miles for an ‘N’ assessment for one, and a particularly up for it Vole with nothing to lose. Well, this was something to behold – no fear, no caution, no errors (maybe no breakfast had something to do with it), the Vole was on fire. Nicks, deception, changes of pace and direction that had the audience asking for lets, this was pure theatre, 1-0 to the Chi. 2nd game much the same as the first, but then the first error appeared – cries of “No Timothy” came from the Chi massive (but I am on a diet) and a wry smile creased the lips of the aforementioned Vole. 9-6 to the tubster and a 2-0 lead that looked to be promising.

But Meadsy hates losing, and he fought back well against an ever more desperate array of shots from our man, and although it got close, he edged it. Last chance for Timmy? Maybe, but whatever, he took it, slapping nicks for fun, and with an exquisite backhand volley short that had us purring with glee.

3-1 to Vole, in what has to have been his most impressive performance yet for us, and possibly of his career. He came close in the Nationals last week, apparently playing well, but this was pure nectar. And against Meadsy too. What about Robbo? I hear you ask. Tucked up in bed with flu, which deprived us of the absolute pleasure of seeing his face! Hee Hee! So off to the bar to enjoy UniS excellent hospitality. Oh, and I took the last raffle prize as well, just to put the icing on the cake. Not up to fruit machine emptying exploits maybe, but eminently satisfying.

Oh, and the assessment? Not a hard enough game apparently, so not given. Ask Vole and Steve – they were both knack’d, and there were 20 or so decisions, which were all basically fine by my thinking. Guess we may be looking for a new co-ordinator next season then!

So the next match holds the key – Nottingham or Edgbaston? Who cares, and a Hawaii against UKP would help, and it would be nice to be Southern Champions. So a full house at Oaklands Park is on the cards, and the dulcet tones of Unknown Promotions Matt Swansong to entertain us, oooooh, I can’t wait!

04 Feb - Week EIGHT

Chichester  5 - 0  Tek Sing Lexden
   Peter Genever beat Lee Drew  6/9, 10/8, 5/9, 9/5, 9/7
   Moh'd Azlan Iskandar beat Tony Hands  9/5, 5/9, 9/4, 6/9, 9/6
   Tim Vail v Raj Nanda  9-3, 6/9, 9/7, 9/7
   Ben Garner beat Paul Allen  9/4, 9/7, 9/4
   Linda Charman beat Rebecca Macree  9/6, 9/10, 9/7, 10/8

TRAGEDY STRIKES
CHI CALCULATIONS
Peter Crabtree has a problem ...
Despite the best efforts of NASA scientists, given their current distractions, it has not been possible to fathom out the complex calculations surrounding the play-off possibilities. A dramatic midnight melt-down of the Chi super Kray computer leaves us not knowing what the future holds in store – but more of that later !

It can be revealed, however, that war was narrowly averted as a result of the efforts of Cooky Annan, who adjudicated a close encounter of the 4th kind with all of the skilful diplomacy associated with the Secretary General of the United Notions, together with 2 tubes of Super Glue and a staple gun on Lindy’s gob ... Watch this space!

THE LION TAMES THE TIGER
THE WITCH STAYS IN THE WARDROBE
Crisis over, Peter Crabtree reports
There is a theme here somewhere, but I just can’t quite get it. The engineers worked on the Kray until 6am this morning, and finally solved the problem – believe it or not, there was a bug in the machine that was relaying all of the calculations to a secret computer disguised as a fruit machine somewhere in Hertfordshire. The secret service are hard on the heels of the culprit, who was seen running from the scene with 3 bells and a bag of money.

But we shall not let the shenanigans of the opposition overcome us – no way. This team is built on spirit, Jack Daniels in Linda’s case, and the bigger the challenge, the better the performance. So when the visitors arrived with no Emu, no Stefan, and Amr had Shabana’d off (run out of excuses apparently) the challenge obviously had an air of comfort about it. Hence the nail-biting events which were to unfold. But gracious visitors were on hand to try and negotiate an equitable settlement, Cooky Annan had flown in from New York to see fair play, and managed to see the evening through without a new front developing in the World versus Iraq. But we did have a close encounter of several kinds – not least the long anticipated confrontation between Linda Charman and Rebecca Macree.

But first – the catsuit. I’ve seen more meat on a Tesco’s pork chop, and that’s saying something. Not to take anything away from a fine athlete, she covers the court with some ease, mind you legs that struggle to stop at her armpits are some kind of help. But to set the scene, and who cares about Benjy and Azzi playing on the other court, the evening was only ever going to be about the girls (and who could argue against that?). The first encounter was brutal, vocal, and somewhat overheated, would this one be any different? You could smell the animosity – bottle it and you could sell it to Audrey Harrison at a million bucks a sniff. But squash was the target, well the game as opposed to the physical result of a collision.

Having recounted the episodes of the first match largely at second hand, and now I’ve given the game away (but it is a bloody long way to Lexden for a pensioner on a Tuesday night!), and not having seen the redoubtable Miss Macree playing a seriously competitive match (sorry Vicky, but it wasn’t) before, I held a significant amount of interest in watching the events unfold. It was about 2 minutes into the match when everything became crystal clear and the problems that these two have with each other, and most of the other players with Becky it seems, were patently obvious even to our Cooky. She moves well, she strikes the ball half decent (Neil Harvey would fix the rest in 5 minutes flat), and has an incredible awareness of the flow of the game given that she can’t hear the ball being hit, or hitting the walls (I presume, forgive me if I’m wrong). Just think about it – how many times do your ears tell you it’s a boast before your eyes have seen the flight of the ball?

But, and here is the Big Issue guv, some change for a cuppa? Rebecca moves to where she sees the ball, not where she can play it, hence, there are a lot of mid-court collisions where she is moving to the ball where she sees it, but in most cases doesn’t have a cat in suit, sorry, hell’s chance of playing it. So the player on the receiving end of the collision, and there were some hefty hits going on, gets seriously frustrated because she isn’t really trying to play the ball, and is seen to be playing her opponent, and I am not sure that this is entirely intentional. I know the arguments against, having propounded a few myself, but now I am not so sure if it is as clear cut as I had originally thought. However, and this is the one where I will pull no punches (unlike Audrey), when she is moving to the front of the court in response to a short ball, she does go straight through her opponent, in most cases making no allowance for their attempt to clear the ball, and this is not good. Lindy won’t thank me for the next bit, but hey, since when did I worry about that?

In most cases, as soon as she had played a drop shot, Lindy immediately cowered and hunched up in anticipation of the hit, in which, 9 times out of 10, she wasn’t to be disappointed, and I did wonder a bit if some of this was for show. Personally, my response would be to step back sharply into the opponent’s gut (but that wouldn’t work with Becky) with a couple of elbows and a racket handle for help, on the basis that if it was a tight drop, and I was making every effort to clear, the opponent probably wouldn’t get a stroke. This is a difficult issue to resolve, and Mr Lazarus needs to get to grips with it, because I cannot see how Becky will get any favours from any ref if she carries on in this manner. Indeed it is difficult to see how she can avoid disciplinary action if it carries on, because against a player less focussed than Linda was, it could get quite nasty – I can’t see Fitzy being bullied off court!

The match was handled superbly, it has to be said, by the referee, and he has had quite some grief over the years for one reason and another. Both players were unhappy with decisions, but I cannot say that he got one badly wrong in the first 3 games, although he did seem to lose the plot a bit in the 4th. It was fair, there was none of the excitement that you get with some refs when they make tough decisions, and the match never degenerated into anything untoward. For that, I would vote Cooky ref of the year, well so far anyway. 78 decisions apparently, and a success rate of 90% I would have said, certainly less errors than the players!

The score? 3-1 to Lindy, although it could easily have gone the other way if Lindy hadn’t been so in control of both herself and her game. Mind you, the super glue and staple gun helped! 1 hour and 20 minutes! Gosh, the beer was cold and good!

Meanwhile, Benjy had comfortably seen off Paul Allen, and Azzi would stuff Tony “the Tiger” Hands. The programme notes suggested he might well be heartily sick of the feline epithet by now, and his response to the pre-match introduction suggested this wasn’t too far wrong! Another bloody nail reducing effort by the junior member of the team saw Azzi always in front, but by golly the tiger put up a fight. Azlan slayed the Tiger though – match to the Chi. The girls were still going by this point!

Vole had decided he was going to play on the glass-back, and wouldn’t switch to the next court. I was tempted to remind him that the last time he did that, the longest winning run ever in the history of the Universe came to an end, but thought better of it. As it happened, he played a good game against an impressive young opponent from Oz. Raj will remember the next time he plays here that he needs to duck when entering the court! 6 foot 27 tall, with legs as long as Becky’s (but you know the rest!), he strikes the ball well, and knows where the nick is, but lost 3-1 to give young Jelly the challenge of securing another zipping of the opposition.

After a fantastic 3-2 over World 17 Alex Gough the previous night in 80 minutes, one could have forgiven a touch of sluggishness against Chi old boy Lee Drew. So we did. Well, you do, don’t you? Mind you, the Drew Boy played superbly, moving well, striking the ball well, and retrieving well, which hasn’t always been his strongest point. The backhand drop is still as sweet as ever, and it was difficult to believe that he has been unwell, and although Jelly moved him around the court in his usual style, the Essex boy was invariably there. PG’s control was below standard, and he did look a tad sluggish, but he did it. 3-2 in another 80 minutes, and 5-0 to the Chi!

The result of the calculations was that if Lexden beat…………… No, it is too complex, but we do have serious hopes of the glory of the play-offs. Mr Robinson may hold the key to this, so we shall see in 2 weeks time. So the conclusions? I am sorry, but Rebecca is in the wrong. She is a fine player, with a lot going for her, but she just goes about it the wrong way. Don’t misunderstand the slight understatement in the foregoing, it was on a knife edge all the way through, and despite her outward air of diffidence, I think Lindy came very close a couple of times to saying something. But Becky’s opponents shouldn’t have to undergo that sort of threat throughout the game. Sorry if you don’t agree. It is my personal view, and I have been watching decent squash for a few years now. Okay, I might be a bit subjective, but I think Becky has to sort it out, and I really do think she is good enough to do it.

Sorry it has been a bit long, but I did short change you unlucky folk last week, so I thought you should suffer some overtime with this one! Back in a couple of weeks.

28 Jan - Week SEVEN

Chichester  3-2  TVS Broxbourne
   Peter Genever bt Mark Chaloner  9/5, 5/1  rtd
   Moh'd Azlan Iskandar lost Rodney Durbach  6/9, 9/5, 8/10, 6/9
   Tim Vail lost Alex Stait  6/9, 8/10, 9/6, 9/7, 6/9
   Ben Garner beat Alister Walker  10/8, 7/9, 4/9, 9/6, 9/6
   Linda Charman beat Alison Waters  9/4, 9/2, 9/2

GLUTEUS MAXIMUS BUSTUS –
or a right pain in the ass!
Peter Crabtree reports on yet another Chi victory

We appear to be in serious danger of topping the league again, but the last time we did that, Vail lost the longest unbeaten record ever in the history of squash in the 7th sector of the universe, and we finished with the wooden spoon! This year could be different as I think it is mathematically impossible for us to finish last, but I wouldn’t bet on it. And Vail has just lost the only 100% played and won record to Alex Stait, mind you Alister Walker lost his unbeaten record to Benjy boy Garner, so it wasn’t all bad – and we won. The double over Broxbourne. Gosh.

The evening started with the ladies and having just beaten Natalie Pohrer in the USA, possibly her best ever result, Lindy was in great spirits and really up for the match. It was fairly evident that jet-lag was playing a part in a slightly scrappy match, not to take anything away from Alison Waters who put up a good fight, but lost 4, 2 and 2. On the adjacent court, Ben Garner took on Alister Walker. I must express my humble apologies here for the disrespect I showed Ben after the last match, having said that he fluked the first game with an outrageous frame shot to the front wall. He claims to have been practising that very skill for hours on end, and it showed again tonight with another horrendous squirt from the front angle to set up a 10-8 first game win.

The visitor put up a tremendous fight to take the next 2 games, with a superb exhibition at the front of the court, but in doing so he began to give away some cheap points by not clearing the ball at the front. This was to prove expensive as Ben clawed his way back to 2-2, and then took the 5th to give the Chi a solid start to the evening. Marks out of 10 for the ref? Hmmmmmm. Azlan was already well into his match with Rod Durbach, who had got off a flight from Dayton Ohio at 6:00 this morning. This was a battle of contrasting styles, with the experienced ‘bok using pace mixed with a liberal dose of disguise, and the younger Azzi tricking his way through the games with a blend of touch, deception and power to put the Broxbourne man under a lot of pressure. At 1 game all, and 6-8 down in the 3rd, Azzi put together some great squash to get to 8-8, and we felt that if he could take this one, Rod might just start to feel the legs and the body clock.

2 “trick” shots later and it was 2-1 to Broxbourne, and despite a great effort from Azzi, experience paid off and Rodders went through 3-1. How strange, 2-2 with the number 1’s going on court. We wondered if Chip’s recent results and his rumoured shoulder trouble might be a bit of a problem, but it certainly didn’t look that way, although Jelly played at a fierce pace, and looked to be supremely confident after a trip to Dayton that saw him lose to Graham Ryding, but play extremely well. A 9-5 first game went to the home man, and he came racing out of the blocks to rush into an early lead in the 2nd. But then – alas for Chip – the aforementioned glute took a mighty twinge, and Chip ended up casting for that game on BRMB where they get frostbite of the chuds, sitting on a bucket of ice. Match to the Chi, and a very happy place for the team to be.

Mind you, next week sees the visit of Messrs. Evans, Castelyn, Drew and Hands, accompanied by the ever so retiring Miss Macree. Could be the end of the run, and all change on the Magic Roundabout at the top of the league. Or could it? We shall see, but another full house at the theatre of dreams should see some classic matches.

07 Jan 03 - Week SIX

Lee-on-Solent  1-4  Chichester
   Bradley Ball lt Peter Genever  6-9, 17-15, 9-5, 3-9, 7-9
   Mark Heather lt Tim Vail  6-9, 7-9, 9-7, 7-9
   Ben Howell lt Ben Garner  9-11, 6-9, 9-5, 5-9
   Peter Barker bt Chris Tomlinson  9-7, 9-5, 9-5
   Sue Williams lt Suzie Pierrepont  4-9, 4-9, 5-9

100% PURE, UNADULTERATED…………….VOLE!
Peter Crabtree reports

This hurts, you know. The last 5 or 6 years have brought regular pleasure in having the opportunity to extract the michael from master Vail, in match programmes and latterly through the wonder of the web. In particular, there was a certain glee in being able to report the end of the longest unbeaten run in the National League, coupled naturally with the disappointment of having to accept the wooden spoon last season. But he takes it well, as someone who prepares for a match with a breakfast of 6 sausages, 3 rashers of bacon, 3 fried eggs, baked beans, toast and Guinness should. When discussing recently the issues of refereeing standards and player behaviour with 1 particular top class referee, he was described as being a little volatile at times, but ultimately respectful of the official’s position, possibly a description that applies to the Vole at large (and he will be if he keeps breakfasting like that!). But a genuine little chappie much liked by the Chichester cognoscenti.

Hence it now gives me huge disappointment to reveal to the World of Squash that he, Master Timothy Vail, is now the only player with a 100% appearance and 100% win record in the National League this season. Ouch! Mind you, he has had to work a bit to get there – the match against Glenn Wilson was Vole blowing at his finest. But on to tonight’s match – and for once, the “Chichester always seem to win 3-2” adage failed, and we sneaked away with a 4-1 cracker. It looked a bit tight on paper, and with our Lindy “resting”, we thought we might struggle, but the various afflictions of the Lee ladies resources came to our rescue. Mind you, with 2 wins out of 3 now this season, Suzie Pierrepont is a good asset to the squad, and she cruised to a 3-0 win, although Sue Williams put up a good fight, and will today be nursing a sore foot courtesy of your humble scribe’s clumsy footwork – sorry Sue!

On the other court, Chris “the knowledge” Tomlinson looked useful and in good shape against Peter Barker - the old backhand flick is still there although maybe a bit rusty. But Peter showed why he got to the World Junior Final in an all round display of control, and a majestic backhand drop that Tommo saw every time but didn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of getting to. The only thing he forgot to bring from that match was the ability to lose, so it was 1 string each with the big guns warming up.

Young Mr. Garner owed a bit of payback after the first match of the season when he was basically stuffed by Ben Howell, so it was a highly motivated number 3 that went into action. A tight 11-9 in the first was followed by a slightly easier 9-6 and gave Benjy a good start, but the Lee Ben fought back to take the 3rd. Mind you, the first contained 2 of the spawniest winning points I have seen so far in NSL – a lunging “wood” that spun up (somehow) onto the front wall, followed by a back wall squirt that gave Howell no chance. Hey ho! 9-5 to Benjy in the 4th for the chance of a team win.

Meanwhile the aforementioned Vole was entering the fray against Mark Heather. Despite Mark’s progress in the last 12 months, the visitor was always in the match, and the Vole controlled the game early on to take a fairly comfortable 2-0 lead. Mark fought back (or rather Vole resorted to regular timpani like performances on the tin!) to take the 3rd, and it was a typical Vail performance to take the 4th and the match whilst exuding copious quantities of Carbon Dioxide from his nether regions! Blow? He nearly exploded, but with the vocal support of the Chi lardy army, he came through.

But he wasn’t the only record breaker. Bradley “You’re bloody useless referee, you’ll never ref here again, Lindsey can we change the ref ‘cos he’s useless?” Ball (and I’ve censored some of that Linda!) may have set a new NSL record with a 17-15 2nd game win over Peter Genever. I can only find a 16-14 by Mark Cairns over Davide Bianchetti in December 2001, but no doubt Mr. Hargrave will prove me wrong! Despite that, he lost 3-2 in a typical Ball/Genever match full of nicks, hard hitting and running, and contested decisions. To be fair, Brads did get a couple of stinkers against him, but when you give it up to the ref like he did, you can’t expect to get anything back, except the conduct warning that he did.

Jelly was playing well though, and obviously was frustrating Brads by getting the ball back so much, especially when Brads was slamming the ball into the nick, as he does. We thought he was in serious trouble when a member of the constabulary appeared behind the court, but it was just a warning for having gone the wrong way so many times! Alan Thatcher wanted to know how long the match lasted, but I don’t know. All I do know is that it was a 4-1 to the Chi, and there we are breathing the scent of Broxbourne’s tail!

3 weeks to wait until our next epic against Broxbourne, followed a week later by Lexden. Both at home, so it should be a feast for our knowledgeable band of imbibers. I apologise for the brevity of this contribution but flu and work are conspiring to deaden my inspirational faculties – better next time, I promise.

03 Dec 02 - Week Five

UK Packaging  2-3  Chichester
  Peter Nicol beat Peter Genever  4/9, 9/6, 9/7, 9/4
  Tim Garner beat Moh'd Azlan Iskandar  9/2, 9/3, 9/6
  Glen Wilson lost Tim Vail  9/7, 9/3, 6/9, 2/9, 4/9
  Steve Richardson lost Ben Garner  9/4,4/9, 9/11, 2/9
  Lauren Briggs lost Linda Charman  1/9, 1/9, 5/9

LAMBS TO THE SLAUGHTER,
CHARMAN VERBAL OUTBURST SHOCK,
MR. RICHARDSON GOES FISHING!
Peter Crabtree reports

Well, where to start. A choice of headlines so good, I had to use all 3. The obvious one first – Lambs to the slaughter. Well, it wasn’t really, but you can’t spurn an opportunity like that, can you? UK Packaging’s first match at Mike Corby’s Flagship Lambs Club didn’t go entirely to plan, for the hosts, anyway. Little old Chichester turned up in the metropolis with a full strength side to take on the might of the World No.1 and his chums, ably led by Captain Tim Garner, buoyed by a good league position and a travelling support that would grace Barnoldswick United.

Big Pete and I ventured forth into the night skies a little apprehensive of what the City held in store for us country boys. My, things have changed since Red Ken took charge of the sprawling mess that used to be known as London. You could see the floor on the tube for starters, although I have to say that the new interior décor was a tad strange - multi-coloured sprayings straight off the tail of a BA jumbo, interspersed with Big Mac packs. Anyway, we arrived at Lambs in time for the start, which featured our Linda in her first appearance since the announcement of her ban.

Featuring what I initially took to be a minor orthodontic device, it turned out to be the latest in her penchant for body piercing and the like – one of YKK’s finest zips in her gob! Bless her, she smiled at everyone, looked the fittest I have seen her, and despatched the lovely Lauren Briggs for 7 points, 5 of those being in the 3rd! Although it looks to be a bit of a stuffing, Lauren really does move well, strikes the ball beautifully, and doesn’t look to be too far from bridging the gap to the big time.

Meanwhile, the Vole took to the stage against Lambs’ own Glen Wilson, and started by trying to out hack the host. Wrong! 2-0 down fairly quickly, and adopting his usual 5th game shade of purple in the 2nd, this did not look good. However, Glen started to show the effects of the pace in the 3rd, and Captain Fantastic Vail edged the game to give himself a chance. We started getting confident now, as Vole is used to playing knackered squash, and is probably better when doing so! 9-2, 9-4 saw off the UK man to give the Chi a 2-0 start for the evening.

New boy Azzi took to the court against Captain Tim Garner, full of confidence that he would be able to see off his training partner. How wrong can you get? Tim had said before the match that he felt he was in the best shape he had been for some time, and that his preparations for the World’s had gone well. His experience and all-round sharpness soon had the match over and done with, and the first point on the board for UKP. Meanwhile brother Ben (he’ll never beat me, because when he looks like he might, I’ll avoid playing him!) took on Steve Richardson.

1 game down fairly quickly, and possibly not playing his best, Ben soon started to vary the pace better, and got into a rhythm that was disrupting his opponent. Despite regular use of the front angle to squirt the ball across the court, Richardson was finding it harder and harder to dominate the game, and Ben gradually eased away. Now, what does a player need to participate in a game of squash? Racket obviously, good pair of shoes, general kit, ball, what else? Well, occasionally, a king size perch rod with all the gubbins. Ben hacks the ball down the middle of the court (crap shot), Steve lines up to play the ball with Ben a good couple of metres behind him, raises his racket to strike the ball (or show that he could have played it), asks for the let, ball strikes Ben. Decision? Stroke. “Why?” asks Ben, having clearly been well away from his opponent. “I have no option, the ball struck you”. Now, the Rules as they are written are a tad unclear on what is shaping to play the shot. It would appear reasonable that, if the ball is above shoulder height and the player raises his racket to the ball, elects not to play it allowing the ball to go past him, and then makes no effort to go and play the ball, he is asking for a let, at which point the rally is dead. But the same southern hemisphere drawl which asked Jelly if he was appealing some time ago was having none of it. When does common sense come into this? It was no let for starters as there was no interference, even for someone with the wing-span of an albatross! “He’s a law unto himself, that one” came the comment from someone who probably shouldn’t have said it, given his position! But I name no names!

But Ben won to give us the match, and we then had the number 1’s to look forward to. PG has made some improvements recently, and this would be a good test against the best there is. We had done some intense training in the last few days, and felt he had just about perfected the glance on the shoulder, and sprawling cartwheel to the floor, so we definitely had a guaranteed time-out for an hour or so if we needed it. First game – hello, what is going on? Fast and furious with some cracking shots, Jelly was the man, and 9-4 to the Chi. 2nd game, just the same, but with the bully boy getting into the groove a bit, and showing his class. Time for the injury yet? Not likely, we’re in full flow, and despite being on the receiving end of some fairly brutal rallies, we are still well in the game. However, a couple of decisions that maybe the World Champion got because he is went against Jelly, so it was 2-1 to Pete Nic. The 4th was a bit of a disappointment, but PN played the best he did in the match, oozing class, retrieving skills, great racket control, superb disguise and shot-making, but it was closer than 9-4 suggests. 3-2 to the Chi, then, and consolidating our position just behind the leaders, just waiting for a slip up.

So another good evening’s entertainment over, a cracking meal courtesy of Mr. Garner senior, a few beverages, and off to the train again. Oh, the Charman outburst? I hear you ask. Ah well, you see, you really thought that she would let slip tonight didn’t you, but she promised not to. Well, apart from when she tipped a pint of Coke over the barman, that is, and then it was a very funny “Oh bottoms!”

Happy Christmas everyone, enjoy your squash, and we’ll be back with some more of my ramblings next year.

01 Dec 02 - Charman Banned - Chi reaction

PERHAPS THERE IS A GLIMMER OF DAYLIGHT
Peter Crabtree's view ...

As you have probably read on the Grapevine, England Squash have announced the punishment for Linda Charman’s Code of Conduct violation in the match with Becky Macree at Lexden last month. A one week ban is the only sanction that can legally be imposed under the Code, which seems remarkably light, and potentially ineffective as it could take place when there are no matches or tournaments, and thereby be a waste of time.

The actual penalty imposed, which has been accepted by Linda without question, is probably more reasonable, and certainly more appropriate in that it can be applied to make her miss a match (and hopefully only one!). What was interesting to read was that they are going to further investigate other aspects of the match, from which one can only deduce that Becky’s approach to the game, and possibly also the refereeing, which was dodgy to say the least, are going to be looked at.

The two issues are connected, and as this humble scribe has said time and again, the referees have to impose the rules on the players more consistently, and in some cases, more strictly, and then the contentious issues that become major problems during the game will just not arise. That and the players being more honest with the refs will make such a huge difference to the game.

Some players will find it more difficult than others to adapt to a new regime, but then if they are good enough and fit enough, they will soon get used to it. Some refs will also find it hard to stick to a stronger line, but again, the better ones don’t have a problem now.

So maybe there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of arguments, barging, blocking, crap decisions and the like, and we will see better standards all round. If that is the case, we all have to applaud the position that England Squash are taking.

Peter Crabtree

19 Nov 02 - Week FOUR

Chichester  5-0  UniS Guildford
   Peter Genever bt Stephen Meads  9/5, 9/4, 4/9, 5/9, 9/7
   Moh'd Azlan Iskander bt Stacey Ross  9/6, 7/9, 9/6, 9/5
   Tim Vail bt Neil Frankland  9/6, 12/10, 10/12, 9/4
   Ben Garner bt Ross Norman  9/5, 9/4, 11/13, 10/8
   Susie Pierrepont bt Anne Connell   9/0, 9/2, 9/1

GENEVER IN BLOCKA-BEATA DRUGS SHOCK
...... or ......
THE UMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Peter Crabtree reports (with apologies to George Lucas!)

After a wonderful evening’s entertainment, with a tremendous performance from ex-World Champion Ross Norman, the Chichester Club was stunned to learn that the No.1 Peter Genever Junior had tested positive for a hitherto unknown substance, classified generically as a blocka-beata. No traces of Nandrolone, Cocaine, or even Olbas Oil were found in one of the fiercest tests carried out for some time, but the outcome was undeniable – blocka-beata was present. But more of that later.

The evening started with musical entertainment from Unknown Artists’ promoter and top artist Matthew Swansong, who thrilled a packed gallery with a full repertoire of musical snippets and humorous introductions, including the arrival of Stacey “the Boss” Ross to one of Edmundo’s finest anthems. Oh the nostalgia of throbbing dance hall floors studded with sequins and stilettos, just like Ben Garner’s back, but I promised not to tell! First up on the show court, and a fitting place indeed, was former World Champion Ross Norman with a demonstration of the silky skills that were such a trademark of his game. Now into his thirties (thirty thirteen in fact), he still moves like a cat about the court, and maintains an incredibly high level of fitness. We were concerned that senility may have been setting in when asking for set 1 at 8 all in the 3rd, but it was to be OK. But Benjy knew what to do, and despite a blip in that 3rd, eased away to a 9/5 9/4 11/13 10/8 win, which just for a while looked as if it might become shades of Ross and Tony Hands a few weeks ago. Ross is a firm favourite at Chichester, and has taken the run of ex-Chichester players playing against us to a new level, in that he is currently a Chi player in the National knockouts, as he has been for quite some time now. So what the Italians call “the immutable law of the ex” couldn’t work!

Suzie Pierrepont got some revenge for her result at Broxbourne by seeing off Anne Connell for a couple of points, while the Vole beat Neil Frankland 3-1, although the scoreboard operator seemed to think that the visitor may have been a tad fortunate to get a game, Vole winning 9/6 12/10 10/12 9/4. Then on the main court, we had debutant Mohamed Azlan Iskandar, who from now on, to save space, will be Azzi! I raved about Greg Gaultier last season, being impressed by his movement and shot-making – this boy is better on this display, mind you, according to the UniS Manager and Coach, it was puzzling that “the Boss” managed to go through the match without showing a bead of sweat on his shirt, so he must be supremely fit! Azzi combines economy of movement with the trademark Neil Harvey footwork, and superb racket control, and seems to be able to cope with whatever his opponent throws at him. OK, he let the odd loose ball get tucked away for the inevitable nick from Stacey, but after losing the 2nd game, he just seemed to tease the visitor, almost as if to say, you do what you want, because I am going to beat you. And he did.

So, 4-0 to the Chi, and a welcome form of pressure for the number 1. Used to being 2-2 at best, or 3-1 down as in the last match, he had the chance for a whitewash of the visitors, and the opportunity to see Robbo with a scowl rather than a frown! Can’t pass on chances like that, can you? He tried! The first game was a cracker – hard hitting from both players, and the now inevitable yellow card for Genever from the referee for hitting 4 nicks in the first game, and we are talking rollers here – top quality slaps into the angle that left Meadsy nowhere. 9/5 9/4 and seemingly on course for an individual shut-out as well. This is when it started to go wrong, and the aforementioned substance and retaliation from the ref became evident. It would seem that the campaign for a harder line on opportunist lets is gathering pace, and to Steve’s open disappointment, he was being refused more and more requests for let when the officials made it clear that he wasn’t making enough effort, particularly when he had played a loose shot previously.

Aha! Then, the piece de resistance. Another let to Jelly was given at the front of the court when, having played the ball short, Meads stepped forward into his opponent’s line to the ball, preventing access with a quality block. “Don’t ruin it” he cried in frustration to the referee, but no good would come from it.

He played well though, to get back to 2-2, and the 5th was close to the end, with more no lets, and to be fair, in the whole match, there were probably no more than 2 or 3 dodgy decisions, and those edged in favour of the visitor. At 7-3, Jelly nicked a winner again, to get to match ball. Meadsy sneaked a winner to get to 4-8, then a long rally, with a dodgy let for the visitor, and Steve serving again at match ball down.

“4-8, match ball” said the marker. “You’re not going to keep saying match ball up to 8-8 are you?” he quizzed the poor official. Before a reply could emanate from Hacker’s mouth, the crowd had beaten him to it – “It won’t go that far” echoed from the rafters, followed by umpteen “Match Ball”s as he prepared to serve. A grin crept across his elfin face however, as he served. Anyway, to cut a long story short, it got to 7-8, complete with choruses of “match ball” each time he served. A punishing rally followed, ending with a clash of racket on wall as he failed to get the ball back, and it was match to Jelly, together with, we think, the first ever 5-0 to the Chi in the National League.

More information then came to light about blocka-beata’s. The most recent discovery has been in a Jelly form, but with a smoother differently shaped top than before. Rumoured to emanate from Bolivia, officials have launched a desperate search for any further stashes, and there are very strong rumours that a batch is on its way to Hailsham!

December 3rd beckons, and a trip to Lamb’s to play UKP. It can’t get any better than this though, unless PG beats PN for another 5-0, but Neil Harvey doesn’t have quite the same quality of displeased look as our Yorkie visitor tonight! He didn’t pay back the beer from last year though! Typical!

05 Nov 02 - Week THREE

Tek Sing Lexden  4 - 1  Chichester
   David Evans bt Peter Genever  9/2, 9/4, 9/4
   Tony Hands lost Tim Vail 2/9, 7/9, 4/9
   Lee Drew bt Ben Garner  13/11, 9/6, 5/9, 7/9, 9/2
   Raj Nanda bt Ritwik Bhattacharya  9/6, 9/7, 12/10
   Rebecca Macree bt Linda Charman  4/9, 9/5, 4/9, 9/3, 7/0 disq.

TAKE TWO
 Peter Crabtree reports ... again
Well, would you believe it. The ‘phone has been ringing off the hook and the e-mails have been flooding in. Having expected to be chided for being unfair to Becky about Tuesday’s match with our Lindy – absolutely the opposite!

Firstly, it would appear that I owe Mary Scott-Miller an apology for a factual inaccuracy, in that neither she nor the other lady referee said that they were not happy refereeing the match, in fact neither of them were given the opportunity. It seems that the MRC decided that he would take control (ha ha!) of the match, not giving two respected and experienced referees the opportunity to do so. It further appears that, allegedly, this particular official has never refereed a match at a higher level, and has only recently gained experience of refereeing professionals at NSL level. Now correct me if I am wrong here, but this does seem a bit back-to-front. I am very happy to apologise to Mary and her colleague for the error, and I trust that the gentleman in question will do likewise!

Secondly, I have been told that the comments about the ladies’ match were too restrained, and should have gone further about Linda’s language, and Becky’s behaviour in particular. The general consensus is that Linda should know better, and following the Worlds recently, and her tantrums there, she should be officially warned. Cobblers – the men, or some of them, regularly use the word, and worse, in the direction of referees. One player in our match against Lee told the referee he was a useless ****! I have also seen a player walk off court, climb up the gallery seats, get right into the referee’s face and tell him he is “a bloody disgrace – don’t ever referee a match of mine again” and not even get a conduct warning, let alone lose the match like he should have. So she got hacked off and let fly verbally – if the referee had controlled the match from the outset, not allowing Becky to get away with physically abusing her opponent by constant barging and running into her back, then the level of frustration wouldn’t have got to where it did, and the referee would then have had every right to follow the conduct procedures that he did. She still shouldn’t have done it, and I know she is embarrassed by the incident, and regrets what she said.

The general opinion of the comments I have received is that Becky’s aggression on court, and her constant barging and blocking is tantamount to cheating, and those comments come from neutrals, and Lexden supporters, as well as from our side. She makes little effort to get to the ball if there is no direct path to it, and looks for lets and strokes whenever there is slight interference, or she is not going to get to the ball because of her opponent’s shot. She isn’t the only one, and like handling of opponents in football, it tarnishes the game, and reduces it from one of the finest spectator sports (in my opinion) to a disjointed, unattractive semi-brawl. It is up to referees to sort it out – what happened to the “minimal interference” guideline, and “making every effort to get to and play the ball”?

So once again, sorry Mary, and sort it out refs!

WHAT THE *#Ω♀ IS GOING ON?
Peter Crabtree reports

Squash is a great game – one of the ultimate tests of skill and strength, but it seems to me that more and more, the players that make the effort to get to the top by doing things right are the ones that get penalised by the crafty ones who are often less than scrupulous, and by referees who are basically incompetent. There are a few players around who use every trick in the book to attempt to win, often by conning the referee when blocking or making no effort to get to the ball, and I regret to say that one of those was on court tonight. It all started before the match when the lady officials allegedly expressed reluctance to officiate in view of the history of the 2 players, and were replaced by a man who claimed he would exert more control. My daughter’s pet hamster could have done better, and he has been asleep for two weeks.

Before the story begins to unfold, here is the position. A great game is being tarnished as a result of the inadequate standard of refereeing – just read back through the match reports of last season as well as this one, all the Clubs, not just us. Speak to the players. Watch a few matches around the different clubs. The story is consistent. So England Squash must face up to the problem, and fix it, if they want what is an excellent product to become more popular and more attractive. There are numerous possibilities, but only a few that can have any effect quickly. Firstly, and probably the only realistic (if unachievable) option, is that players have to referee. With a local referee as marker, they would, I am sure, be impartial, as the other players are their peers, not the Club members or officials, and would command a greater level of respect from the players and make less fundamental mistakes. They should get a sensible fee for their time, if not playing, and the local referees would benefit from their thinking, and improve. Secondly, referees should be encouraged to get experience and qualifications and, if suitable, be fast-tracked to tournament grade and onwards. They should be paid a sensible fee for officiating at NSL matches, and if a debrief between the players and officials could be held after the match, then the relationship between the two “sides” must surely improve. Players cannot expect referees to debate decisions during a game, but they can definitely expect to have the opportunity to review them afterwards, and explain their point of view.

Anyway, from last season’s handbags at dusk, here we got full-blooded confrontation. A match that, as mentioned before, was expected to be tough, became emotional, a tad aggressive, and riddled with inexplicably bad decisions. On courts that, for the second match running, were dripping wet, the players set about their business with some good squash, some deliberate blocking, and some fairly lame lets after making no effort to go and play the ball. It has to be said here that neither party was particularly innocent in this match – the senior player should have been able to handle the situation better (something she recognises), and the (currently banned) World No.10 should know better.

Linda sensed that Becky was not comfortable chasing the short ball, and begun to control the game, playing some excellent short shots, combined with good lengths, and generally showing the good form she has been enjoying for some time now. The inevitable outcome came about, and Becky begun to play Linda’s bum (something that I find understandable!) rather than one of Dunlop’s finest pieces of black rubber. Let after let after let – what an awful game this was becoming. Why is it that referees are scared of saying – “No let – you must make every effort to get to, and play, the ball”. After all, even I get told that occasionally. It ceases to become a spectacle, rather a tedious procession of garbage decisions, and the players understandably get more and more frustrated. The game went to Linda, but not comfortably, and the second went much the way of the first, leading to Linda losing her rag somewhat, launching her racket at the front wall, the first warning, and the game to Becky. 3rd to Lindy, 4th to Becky, but getting progressively worse, believe it or not, as it went on. Finally, with Becky 7-0 up and the fumes visibly emanating from Linda, Becky played a ball to the back, and as Linda went past her to play it, she dropped her racket into Linda’s path – let please, on the basis that it was stroke to Linda – no let. Deep breath, and then it came out - just pure frustration and amazement. ‘Nuff said!

The “Bhatty boy” played not bad, but got sucked into playing Raj’s game, and lost comfortably. He has the makings of a good player, but must learn to impose his game on his opponent, or he will continue to get punished. Vole outcrafted the Tiger to win comfortably, but here was a game of movement, skill and good shots – all the things that make it a great game to watch as well as play. Not bad for two part-timers!

The Drewboy (remember what I said last time about our cast-offs coming back to haunt us? – sorry Lee!) played out of his skin, and really should be capable of more success with performances like this. Ben Garner has come on well since becoming a full-time professional, and the contrasting styles actually complemented each other well, with Garner’s athleticism and power being matched by Drew’s control – which is what eventually secured him the win – and anticipation. Ben clawed his way back to 2-2, but his lack of control over the length and pace of the game eventually had to count, and the Lexden man edged away to the win – match to Lexden.

Emu was in a hurry to get home, didn’t miss a thing, and despatched a less than up for it Jelly for not enough points. Sometimes happens when the result is already decided, and the pressure is off. And if you’re a not bad player! Which he is. So, our first defeat of the season, and down to 3rd place. But it is quite close, and the next match against Robbo’s raiders will be crucial, and they have a crafty player in their ranks too!

22 Oct 02 - Week TWO

ABOUT TIME TOO!
Peter Crabtree reports

TVS Broxbourne 2 - 3 Team Chichester
  Danny Meddings lost Peter Genever  2/9, 7/9, 9/6, 2/9
  Darren Bradbury lost Tim Vail  6/9, 8/10, 4/9
  Jesse Engelbrecht bt Ben Ford  9/7, 9/3, 9/5
  Mark Woodliffe lost Chris Tomlinson  7/9, 4/9, 9/5, 9/2, 2/9
  Natalie Pohrer bt Suzanne Pierrepont  9/1, 9/0, 9/0

One of the pleasures of being a member of the Chichester Club is that it is such a welcoming place to be. New members are made to feel comfortable, and past members are always welcomed back with open arms. So it is a bit off when people then abuse that family spirit by ganging up on us. 2 weeks ago, we had ex-players in Mark Heather and “Captain Caveman” Dean Watson on the Lee-on-Solent side, this time ex Chichester Club Champion Mark Woodliffe turns up against us. And why is it that they always seem to put in a good performance against us? Old Woodentop belied his advancing years and dodgy body with a sterling performance against Chris “the knowledge” Tomlinson, but we were not to be denied.

Much had been made about the weakened teams with the current round of tournaments abroad, but part of the skill of the National League Manager’s role is to get a good spread of abilities in the side, and Vole did a grand job for us this summer. So it was with a degree of confidence that we set out on the trek to Broxbourne, looking for our first win against them in some 4 years. No Chip, no Rodders, and no Greg Gaultier did look promising, and despite Linda not being available, much to the disappointment of the Broxbourne management, we felt that we had a good chance of pocketing the points, and hopefully resuming our place at the top of the League. Mind you, we tend to do that at the start of each season, then lose the plot.

First up on the show court was Zimbabwe’s Jesse Engelbrecht against Ben Ford. Jesse showed the benefits of training at Broxbourne, particularly in adapting his shots to make the best use of the river flowing down the walls! Ben worked hard, but couldn’t slot his nicks, and the pace of the game was a bit too much, and he lost 7, 3 and 5. On the other court, old Woodentop went 2 down fairly quickly against “the knowledge”, but then Tommo went to sleep and let Mark back into the game, although a good bollocking from the Vole put him back on track, and he eased the 5th 9-2 to level the match.

Suzie Pierrepont showed guts in her (mis)match with Natalie Pohrer, and can only benefit from the experience. On the other court, the ageless (?) Darren Bradbury, he of the quick nick and the even quicker tongue, was always struggling against Tim Vail. The talking started in the second game, and almost worked as he took the score to 8-8 before Vole took the game, and then ran out a comfortable winner 3-0. All square for a change, and Jelly on court.

Not the prettiest of matches with Danny’s bum playing a prominent part. Mind you, he still volleys as well as the best, and he certainly knows where the nick is. Jelly kept the pace up, which had to affect Danny before long, and took the first two games perhaps more easily than the score would suggest. Danny took the 3rd, but the aforementioned item came more into play, and Jelly was being regularly kept away from the ball, or the sight of it, and the lets started dominating the game (or at least requests for them). The first ever conduct warning for Jelly was crap really. If referees don’t listen to the players, can they really be surprised if they get a bit arsey? Mind you, if you back-chat certain refs, they like to show their power, and this was possibly one of those. Anyway, he stuffed Danny after that, to take the match and give Chichester their first ever win at Broxbourne, and the first win home or away against them for 4 years.

About time too! Lexden next – and hopefully another win!!!!

08 Oct 02 - Week ONE

NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED
by Reporter of the Year  Peter Crabtree

Chichester  3 v 2  Lee on Solent
   Peter Genever beat Bradley Ball  10-8, 8-10, 9-5, 9-7
   Tim Vail beat Mark Heather  9-6, 9-3, 2-9, 10-8
   Ben Garner lost Ben Howell  2-9, 3-9, 10-8, 5-9
   Laurent Elriani lost Peter Barker  5-9, 4-9, 11-13
   Linda Charman beat Tina Rix  9-0, 9-2, 9-0

The scoreline prediction was an easy one – Chi always seem to win 3-2! (look back to last year’s reports if you don’t believe me!). It was like snuggling up with an old friend and a bottle of decent wine – refreshing yet comfortable, the sort of evening activity that all should enjoy.

The humiliation of being cheated out of the title last year seems a distant and fading memory, and it is significant, we believe, that the departure of that Mr. Hargrave has led to a resurgence of the Chichester victories that had become a feature of the National Squash League. Once again, the application of class and determination will result in a team victory, and there is no question that the title will arrive where it belongs next spring.

We do, though, have to give credit to the chaps from Lee on Solent – a pleasant little backwater of the South Coast. They made the journey to our fair City in good spirits, led by the ever cheerful “Captain Caveman” Dean Watson, another ex-professional who cut his National League teeth at Chichester – in fact I vividly remember discussing Linda’s new tattoo with him at Barnham Broom in our first season, particularly on discovering that her newest addition was a subtly placed cuddly animal, and he innocently enquiring if it might be a beaver! But to get back to normal topics, it was a sad journey back for them having endured the inevitable defeat, led from the front by our homecoming Queen Linda Charman, who graced our courts as well as she ever did in her previous reign. Looking trim and fit, especially in that suede skirt, she was gentleness personified in quickly despatching the game Tina Rix for 2 points.

Meanwhile, new boy Laurent Eriani was struggling with the nature of the NSL scoring, and couldn’t get into his match with Peter Barker. The visitor also looked ill at ease as he was struggling to settle into a new team after the lovely family atmosphere of UniS last season, and was clearly missing the affections of his former (tor)mentor. The French No.5 was getting more and more into the game, but lost the 3rd 13-11 for a 3-0 defeat, but was clearly upset that he hadn’t produced a better performance. I don’t know how often we will see him, but he promises to be a useful player. So 1 string each, and all to play for.

The younger Garner took to the court against the confident Ben Howell, who, according to the programme bio “lasts as long as Jelly”. At what, we are not sure, but he took little trouble in despatching his opponent 3-1, whilst the home Captain Tim Vole was taking on Mark Heather in what was clearly going to be a critical match. Despite his allegiance to those heathens of Middleton, Mark is a likeable chap who also started his National League career with us, his first match being away to Potters Bar against an Iain Higgins at the peak of his tempestuous form. I remember it well (so does Higgs!), and I have to say that ever since then, I have tended to be the focus of his fixation with the gallery, and we have exchanged some splendid banter, generally with a grin! But then, I don’t ref National League! But back to the real thing once again. Vole was snuffling like a mole rather than a Vole, and clearly wanted us all to recognise the tremendous suffering he was enduring in order to pull the irons out of the fire for Chichester. He was the first beneficiary of the new win bonus scheme I introduced, but I wanted it to be 100% bonus and no match fee. Anyway, 2 weeks to go and no players suggested Vole’s way was right, so we went with his idea. 2-0 up and cruising (ha ha!) and Mark decided that his opponent was there for the taking, and controlled the rallies to take an easy 9-2 game. The 4th was classic Vail – knackered but unyielding, any nick will do, and he “eased” away to a 10-8 match win to set up Jelly for his ritual war with Brads.

When I said normal service, I meant it. The ref was on a different planet, awarding 2 yellow cards to the local hero for unsporting conduct in going for the nick (and hitting it!) on a regular basis. Mind you, when Brads asked for a let (reasonable) and got just that rather than the stroke he wanted, it was a bit injudicious to call the aforesaid gentleman a t*#t, especially when in the very next rally, he asked for another let (clearest stroke ever in the history of squash) and got a let. Apoplexy takes on various different hues, but this was deepest purple mist, and Brads looked as if he was coming over the glass-back at one point. Serves you right! Jelly was in a different class, retrieving superbly, and generally dominating the rallies, although Brads showed why he has moved up the rankings, playing probably the best squash I have seen from him. When Brads is cracking the ball low and hard, he is a difficult player to dominate, and you expect the odd nick or 12 from him, but he just wasn’t getting the chances. It was close though, and a 10-8 either way was a fair reflection of the game. It is difficult to see why PG has been struggling recently, as he was sharp, striking the ball well, superbly controlled drops, and varying the pace and nature of the game. Predictable he ain’t anymore, and Brads was tiring with the workrate. 9-5 9-7 to the Jells claimed the anticipated victory for the Chi.

It was a good match, and bodes well for the season. Bloody Broxbourne top already, but they’re next, and which players are around? We’ll have to wait and see!

2001/02
Round 10 - Tue 12th Feb

Team Chichester 1- 4 Unisport Guildford
Peter Genever lost Paul Johnson 4-9 9-7 9-6 9-11 3-9
John Russell lost Stephen Meads 7-9 9-4 4-9 12-14
Tim Vail lost Stacey Ross 7-9 3-9 8-10
Ben Garner beat Neil Frankland 9-3 6-9 12-10 10-12 9-1
Tania Bailey lost Fiona Geaves 5-9 4-9 0-9

UPROAR AT CHICHESTER –
HARGRAVE ROBS CHI, GENEVER YELLOW CARDED
Peter Crabtree reports

Amazing scenes broke out at Oaklands Park last night as the realisation dawned that Chichester had failed to take up their rightful place in the play-offs as a result of the scoring system set up by National League administrator Brian Hargrave. Despite frantic negotiations by ‘phone that ran into the early hours, the point blank refusal of the top brass to reconsider the scoring system that has robbed Chichester of their due reward finally led to the services of the WSF African representative Bob Mug-anyone being secured to ratify the scores. His initial reaction was encouraging, as he felt that a clear injustice had been done, and he promised to correct the results, and had already despatched a team of his “representatives” to negotiate with Mr. Hargrave.

The reports on the individual games are clearly academic, as they will be overturned by the special commission set up to correct the injustice. However, labouring under the weight of the realisation that they had been robbed, the Chi players put up a valiant effort, but the task of trying to win when the UniS players were getting points for winning rallies was too big a challenge. The game is hard enough already, but opponents who actually run (it was a bit like Connaught earlier in the season) and try and beat you just make it unreasonable.

The final insult was the yellow carding of local hero Peter Genever. Having been warned in an outrageous display of official over zealousness for hitting a nick, something he had been castigated for the previous week, he was finally shown the yellow card after attempting the same thing four times in the same rally, finally successfully. He was possibly lucky to stay on the court with a nick tally of 9 by the end of the match, and his opponent Paul Johnson was clearly frustrated by Genever’s unsporting behaviour.

The match details? Well, Tania Bailey looked somewhat below par in losing 3-0 against Fiona Geaves, who looks worth a top 5 place at the moment, well she does in my book, anyway. There were some good rallies, and good movement from the girls, but the senior player won fairly comfortably. On the adjacent court, Ben Garner and Neil Frankland were at war, and despite having 2 match points in the 4th, Garner decided to put in for some overtime, finally cruising to a 3-2 win. JR took on Steve Meads, and in a tight match was possibly a shade unlucky to lose 3-2, but only managed 4 nicks, so he needs to take a leaf out of Mr. Genever’s book, and go back to his old assertive ways, and stop all this rallying nonsense.

2-1 to the UniS then, and captain Tim Vail on court with the fast improving Stacey Ross. A match which went fairly comfortably to the Vole in the 1st half, was sweet revenge for the Guildford man, as Vail only managed to put up a bit of resistance in the 3rd, losing 3-0. Looking like the wooden spoon by now, it was up to Jelly to restore some pride. Jelly wasn’t looking like the wooden spoon, the league position was! 7 tins in the 1st game wasn’t going to help his chances against PJ, who was looking rather confident again, stroking the ball around, but he wasn’t getting it all his own way. PG took the second and third looking as confident as someone who had 5 match points against Bengy the previous night should do, setting up the chance of a win against a much higher ranked opponent. 2 match points in the 4th passed, and PJ eased away to a win.

Mr. Robinson took his promised pint with grace (much!), and we look forward to resuming battle next season. The cheque book is coming out for some squad strengthening, and the Chairman has given the Manager the vote of confidence.

****STOP PRESS****
News has just reached us that Bob Mug-anyone has been refused entry at Heathrow due to a visa irregularity, on instructions from the Home Office. An un-named spokesmen called Brian said that this sort of undesirable could not be permitted access to the UK without a cheque card or other form of identification. Whatever next?